How to *NOT apologise & a proposed shift in repair mindset

A couple months back my partner, who is also a relationships coach, and I were talking about apologies that aren’t really apologies.

He caught me saying something like “I am sorry i spoke to you that way BUT I was grumpy and tired” 

To what he responded: “that sounds more like a justification on why you talked to me the way you did, rather than it being about how you hurt my feelings”.

And he was absolutely right. 

It is uncomfortable to apologise.

It is a little like swallowing your own ego down the drain.

Two things I want to do with this article here today, 

One is to share the often phrases used as apologies that aren’t really that.

The other is to offer a new perspective on “swallow the ego” phrase we often use or think of when we need to make that difficult step towards repair (weather it was your fault or not).

So let me start with the last thing,

We often think of this “act of repair” (the making of that step closer towards another) as something HARD, that you have resistance to do so… 

it is true that it feels like you are crushing something inside of you, right?

We call it the “ego” and we talk about it as if we have to move it away, make it smaller, disregard it or whatever you need to do to it in order to apologise.

If you were ever a kid, which you must have, you must then remember what it felt like to apologise… this scary big step you needed to make, sometimes forced by your parents.

Well… I actually believe we should think about apologising, and getting over that hump of resistance as something that feeds our egos. Something that makes us proud AF, not the opposite.

Some times I get crossed with my partner Tom, and I know he is crossed too. 

And I think back to our relationship’s fundamentals and remember that we are a team, and as long as one of us is losing, our relationship is too. 

So I “get over my ego” and come closer to him. I approach him, I say something to him, sometimes unrelated at first… as I am trying to sense the waters.

That act in itself is hard to do. 

AND my first thought is that I have had to put a part of me aside and neglect my own self-respect to do it.

This is just a cultural story. This is just our culture blueprint.

The belief is “if they hurt ME, they should apologise first”.

Thing is… when you have an argument with someone, there is almost always hurt on both sides… so both people are thinking the same “they should reach out” and then the problems begin… especially if you are living alongside this person. Silent treatment, anyone?

There is nothing wrong about overcoming that uncomfortableness to reach out to the person I love and choose to share my life with. 

I think “wow, I should be so proud of myself right now”.. I am developing more emotional intelligence, I am able to separate my own hurt from this situation, I am able to LOVE UNCONDITIONALLY. I am able to take responsibility for how I feel and reach out to him.

This is BIG. This is something to be very happy about, not ashamed of.

I tell that to myself many times and it helped me change my perspective on apologies, and on just reaching out when I am hurt (even if I have nothing to apologise for).

I must clarify here, being the person who reaches out first doesn’t mean you don’t need an apology. Being the first one to reach out doesn’t mean that your feelings don’t need to be addressed and the argument talked about any further… they are two separate things. 

You can reach out and still need to feel seen by your partner.

So here is my invitation to say enough to that theory that you are not respecting yourself when you turn the other cheek after an argument. 

I am here to invite you to be fucking proud of yourself because when you are able to put that hurt aside for the common good, you are strengthening your emotional intelligence.

More emotional intelligence equals happier life, happier relationships, happier parenting, etc.

So… here is to you, for breaking out of the cultural mould and becoming stronger and more resilient when it comes to repair.

Ok, now to the fun part.

The ways in which we say “sorry” that aren't actually a sorry… I invite you to feel into each of them and see what feelings or sensations come up in your body as you read them.

• “I am sorry I didn’t turn up on time to our date, I was hit by traffic real hard and I couldn’t find parking”

Blaming external factors instead of taking responsibility? Mmmh… this is more like a justification based on something that could have been avoided… I mean, unless there was a tsunami, traffic and parking can be avoided with a little planning. 

But that’s not the point either, the point is that when we apologise we are trying to feel and show empathy and understanding on the consequences we created on someone else due to our actions, it is not about those actions. It is about the impact.

• “I am sorry BUT, this is just who I am”

I must have heard this one a thousand times from my father. He never used the words “sorry” ever but there was something that resembled one always followed by a “this is the father you got” - were you ever on the receiving end of this “apology”? I bet you felt rage. 

Nothing makes anyone feel more confused than THIS apology:

• “I am sorry, you are right that I shouldn’t have done X, BUT, you shouldn’t have done Y” OR “Sorry, yes, WE need to work on that”

It’s like the intention to empathise is there but the tension to sit in the empathy and/or remorse is too intense and it needs to get shifted by putting on responsibility on the other person. It’s like they are saying “ok, i’ll take the hit, but you must do too” OR “i am happy to feel empathy and take responsibility ONLY if you do it too”. Not a serious apology.

• “I have already apologised, what else do you want?”

This one is common and there is usually a lot of story and baggage behind this, for sure… a betrayal of some kind, loss of trust usually comes with feeling unsafe and we try to find that reassurance by mentioning what happened and how we feel about it, multiple times.. and the “accused” person can feel overwhelmed by guilt, which translates to anger and frustration. 

What that person wants is to feel seen in their pain, that’s it. And as long as we make it about ourselves (our anger, our frustration, our previous “apology”) that person won’t feel seen.

• “ i am sorry but i don’t see why you are so upset” or “It was only half hour late, it’s not such a big deal”

You don’t need to understand someone else’s pain, in fact, you can only imagine how it feels… and translate it to your own experience, but hey, this “apology” has a taste of “I am not taking you seriously because I wouldn’t be so upset in your place”. We compare other people’s behaviours and life experience with our own, again, we are making it about ourselves and what we deem as “good reason” to be upset, rather than the other person themselves.

• “I am so sorry.. I FEEL SO BAD, I cannot believe I am such a terrible friend…”

Ok I have been here, multiple times. This one has been MY shitty apology to go for because I hate disappointing others. Every time I sensed my partner was upset with me, I felt I was not good enough and I became the victim of the story. 

If apologies are about taking responsibility for how our actions impacted someone else, and to support them in feeling seen and heard, then when I make myself the protagonist of the story, I am taking that away from them. 

Not an apology.

• “Yes, you are right, you are always right” 

A very subtly sarcastic apology that leaves you feeling confused about whether they were sincere or not. I say, trust your instinct.

Well.. that is me. It took me a whole week to write this article because I ran out of my alone time last week and had to wait until this week to finish it, so sorry if it feels a bit broken. 

Can you share more shitti apologies with me!?