attachment styles, what are you?

Hello my people, how are you actually feeling today? 

 Today I bring you a juicy topic: ADULT ATTACHMENT, hope you enjoy reading me and I would love to know, did you find yourself in these stories-descriptions? What is your attachment style?

In my second committed and long intended-term relationship… I found myself becoming SO invested into my partner’s life that it turned very unhealthy. The unhealthy and toxic aspects of this story are for another time, but what I do want to share with you is the ANXIOUS attachment style.

His mood impacted my mood big time. 

His distance made me anxious. 

I was terrified of him leaving me and what my life would look like if he did… (which is why I stayed with him past his best date), and felt extremely jealous of any other women who could potentially rob me of him.

At the same time, my fear of abandonment and need to control the relationship turned me into a clingy person who needed reassurance 24/7.

Sounds familiar? 

If it feels to dramatic, let’s tone it down a little:

• Feeling like your sense of your self-worth is directly connected to how you are treated in a relationship.

• Wanting to please your partner and putting them first.

• Finding it difficult to set boundaries.

When a dear friend of mine pointed out to me that I was investing too much of my life-force into him, and instead suggested focusing on what makes ME happy…  I realised I could let go!

I was telling myself 

“I need to be more independent from him, I am too attached to him, I need to grow up” 

as if the key to beautiful respectful and emotionally connected relationships is to be independent from your partner.

So I swung the swing the other way: I adopted an avoidant attachment style.

When I finally got out of that negative-downspiraling-black-hole cycle that was me and my ex. I felt relieved, finally.

And jumped into my new 2 year old romantic adventure. 

He was the perfect man. I could not believe I’ve found him and that he wanted me. 

He was the exact opposite of what the ex used to be: Attentive, generous, full of reassurance, safe, independent, reliable, always on time, always keeping his word, good job, great life plans…

And yet, I found and re-found myself doubting my feelings for him. 

I kept a foot in, and a foot out. Ready to bounce out at the slightest conflict.

I felt attracted to other people too.. Which made me feel so confused, as if there was something biologically wrong with me. Why am I always keen for others? 

I kept flipflopping between feeling happy and then feeling overwhelmed.

Every time we had an argument he complained about me wanting to win, rather than feeling seen or heard. He was so patient.

I didn’t know it at the time: I wasn’t fully IN. 

Not dramatic enough?

Let’s tone it up:

• Withdrawing/ putting walls up when there is conflict.

• Rejection at talking about feelings, future plans and what the relationship is at.

• Labelling the other person as clingy or needy

• Sulking or hinting, rather than complaining or talking about it.

Good news is, there is a third attachment style: the secure one. 

The one most of us were never modelled. But it’s real and it’s possible for us all. 

This attachment feels safe and reliable, comfortable with intimacy. Comfortable being alone and being close, and can cope with conflict in a sustainable, connected way. 

We all have the same universal needs for love and acceptance.

Both anxious and avoidant styles want the same: to feel safe. 

It’s the WAY IN WHICH THEY DEAL with the fear of abandonment and hurt that is different:

Anxious avoid hurt by controlling. 

Avoidants control hurt by not getting too involved.

Neuroscience and latest research shows how adults and children share the same attachment needs. Children attach to a primary caregiver, adults attach to their romantic partners. We can flip-flop from one of these to the other, and also depending on how we get triggered. 

Depending on what type of parent you had in your childhood, we develop different styles of attachment in our adulthood. 

Our attachment responses become triggered when we sense physical or emotional FEAR. When we feel the safety of our relationship is in danger, or we feel our partners are doubting the relationship or when their values come against our own.

That is the root of all arguments… but more on this another time.

Some questions for you to think about/journal (brought to you by my coaching mindset)

• How do you react in conflict?

• In which situations do you feel like running away?

• In which situations do you feel the need to control and know your partner?

• In which circumstances do you feel safe and secure?

• What’s your relationship with commitment?

• What are the differences and similarities between my romantic relationships and all the other relationships?

• What does your inner avoidant need?

• What does your inner anxious need?

Red flags: me, you and them

What is a “red flag” when it comes to relationships?

How do we recognise them? What do we do with them?

Are some of the questions I will try to answer here on this article, based on my own experience with red flags and what I have gathered from my coaching sessions and my dating course. 

I want to clarify first that I say “toxic behaviours” instead of “toxic people” because I do not believe in the later. Not because someone is showing toxic behaviours means they are toxic. Someone might be in a rut and therefore being a bit more unconscious with the way they show up in life, and that doesn’t mean they ARE toxic always and forever. And the same goes to you.

We are all humans doing life at the same time, living every day for the first time together… so I think is important not to label people and to separate the attributes they bring from their being itself.

So, RED FLAGS. 

The internet has loads of articles on what are the signs to look for, and the types of red flags out there… the end is the same: toxic behaviours are behaviours that make you unhappy, unsafe and confused and happen constantly. A “red flag” is a warning sign someone can display early in the relationship that is an insight of who they are, bypassing those when you see them or the inability to see them altogether could lead to regretting the relationship further down the track. This applies with narcissistic people, emotionally undeveloped and simply unhelpful unhealthy ways of looking at the world. A personal example would be when I was on my third date with my ex and all he had been doing was consuming drugs (alcohol, marihuana, and more): at the time I thought it was exotic, interesting and that he would change eventually but the truth is that that’s who he was and he would always be like that. His behaviour was a warning sign I chose to ignore.

In this article I actually want to give you the tools to work out HOW you personally relate to red flags in life, for yourself, and to bring perhaps a fresh perspective into toxicity.

But first, let’s start with a *hopefully* relatable story…

Once upon a time I fell in love with a guy who had a million red flags from the get go. At the time, I had never heard this term, and even if I had, I would have still dismiss them. 

Why? Because I didn’t care. 

I was waaaay too keen to fall in love even for the wrong person; I believed LOVE was a cure and as long as we loved each other, we will settle in and all those things that were annoying and controlling were going to change once I explained to him how to be better**

**Read that last sentence again: “I believed LOVE was a cure and as long as we loved each other, we will settle in and all those things that were annoying and controlling were going to change once I explained to him how to be better”

That’s a red flag right there. It was a red flag FROM ME: jumping into a relationship already wanting to change the person I am with? Putting up with being controlled and ignored for the sake of love and the hope for change??

SO,

What I am trying to get to here is that the best way we can identify when *somebody else* is displaying red flags and what to do with that; we should first look at ourselves. 

Why? 

Firstly, Because to be able to SEE a red flag from miles away, we need to be able to recognise a toxic behaviour as such. To be able to recognise a toxic behaviour you have to have had a lived experience of it (yay for practice makes perfect!).

We don’t recognise something toxic in the outside world unless we can recognise it within ourselves. 

Second, being involved in a toxic relationship very frequently means there is something we need to work on ourselves. Not to blame the victim here… I am simply inviting us to take responsibility for the situations that we choose to stay in. 

It takes two to tango..  if you find yourself constantly falling for the wrong person, it may not mean that you have the worst luck ever… it may actually mean that you have some things within yourself that are not working for you and are worth exploring. An opportunity!

So let’s turn inwards to find the answers. 

I invite you to get a pencil and paper and journal with me.

Ready? Lessgo

What is a red flag? 

What is dangerous to each of us is very subjective: if I am gluten free and my date eats flour all day long, that can be quite dangerous.

So, leaving the internet and other people’s processed answers aside: 

what is a red flag TO YOU?

Can you recognise moments in your life where you have displayed or are currently showing some of those red flags to others?

In which areas of your life you have acted or are acting in a toxic way?

Think things like: not speaking your truth, hiding the truth, being always the “nice” guy/girl, ignoring people, ghosting people, etc.

Now that you recognise the red flags, what do we do with them?

And I mean it seriously, What do YOU want to do about this red flags? 

Share them? Change the way you show up? Stay in your relationship? Work it out? Understand? Ask more questions? Leave? No right or wrong, just you deciding what SERVES you best. 

And that brings me to a very important question,  What is your ideal relationship like? What relationship would serve you best? What do you appreciate in someone and what will you bring to the table?

I know that when I find myself getting addicted to people who drain my energy, I need to look at what part of myself is getting something out of this. Like with any addiction, there is something you get out of it. 

So, finally, What are you getting out of hanging out with toxic behaviours? How are your own toxic behaviours serving you?

I hope you enjoyed the article and journaling with me. 

If you have any comments, reflections, ideas, feedback… LET ME KNOW!

Happy reflecting, 

Juliana

Attraction and its role in a monogamous committed partnership.

When I first had a boyfriend, I thought that if I was in a committed monogamous relationship and I felt attraction to other men, it meant that there was something wrong.

I thought that I was only meant to feel attracted to my partner so when I liked somebody else I felt GUILTY. Every single time I looked at a man walking down the road or at a workshop, I had thoughts like “I am not meant to be in a relationship, I cannot do them properly” and “ I will never have a long lasting relationship with anyone and I am obviously broken”.

After that relationship ended, I learnt that I could actually feel attraction to other men while in a relationship. It was normal and expected. Actually, no person could realistically expect that I will never feel attracted to anybody else but my partner. Ok, that was a relief, maybe I wasn’t broken. 

The trouble I had in that “era” was that I did not know how to handle that attraction. I didn’t know what it meant or if it had messages for me (like I do now). 

Instead I allowed this eros energy to come and sweep me away, I was allured to other men and followed the impulses, subconsciously desiring to be with them and allowing that to diminish the attraction that I had for my partner. I acted upon my attraction as if my attraction was a sign that I had to be with this other man. 

In short, I chose to get closer to the men I was attracted to, and further away from the one I was committed to. Ouch! Multiple times (3 partners) ouch! 

Since it was expected I will feel attraction to other people outside my relationship, I told myself there was nothing wrong with feeling my feelings, EVEN if it was damaging my most important partnership.

I kept going like this… falling in love, committing and then falling in love with someone else until I met my current team mate, father of my child, lover and best friend. I saw what I have been doing: putting my energy outside of the partnership instead of bringing it in and using it to grow our relationship. 

So today I am sharing what I have learnt after all this years of dealing with sexual attraction. Some of these ways of dealing with attraction have been extremely helpful and that have also helped me feel true to myself, free of guilt and empowered in my own experiences. 

Disclaimer: most of these insights I have experienced and applied in committed monogamous relationships. The key word here is  commitment. A commitment to making it work, to try your best, to re-centre ourselves back to our partner; commitment doesn’t mean life sentence, but just a willingness to connect and reconnect.

So here is what I know is true to myself:

• Attraction is an energy: Eros. Eros resides in all of us, and we don’t have much control as to when it arises and when, and with whom. I think about Eros as a messenger entity who brings awareness and opportunity. 

• Attraction is normal, and expected. Being in love doesn't make one blind to other people’s energies, personalities and appearance. 

• You don’t need to do anything with the attraction that you feel. 

It is an amazing feeling: the pull towards the mystery, the desire to solve/end this thirst. The curiosity about this other person, the projections, the take over from our bodies, the animal self, the temptation to not care about the world and it’s consequences… etc. Sounds great, doesn’t it? 

Powerful, magical, mysterious.. As If life is awakening inside of you. 

Yet, we can stay here… feeling it. We don’t NEED to do anything about it. 

In fact, you could bask in it… then save it in a little imaginary container and free it once you are alone with your partner. If you allow Eros to fuel you with it’s energy, then you can use that energy to build your relationship.

• If you feel attracted to someone: it’s a clue!

We feel attracted to a trait/energy that we desire/seek. Ask yourself: What about this person is so attractive to me? In which areas of my life I am not living this energy? How can I bring more of this trait/energy into my own committed monogamous relationship?

But also… IF YOU ARE CONSTANTLY daydreaming about men/women who are not your partner then… ask yourself: What is my relationship missing? Am I really IN? Do I feel committed to this person? Am I seeking a way out?

In my past, falling in love for people who I barely knew and feeling madly attracted to other men, meant that I was sabotaging my partnership; it meant that my partner wasn’t ticking all my boxes and I was actually wisely and subconsciously, searching for a way to get out of it. 

• It is USEFUL/GOOD to talk about your attraction to others with your partner.

 Yeah, it is scary and uncomfortable. Jealousy can be felt by both you and your partner. It will mean your partner can then feel free to bring up his attraction to others too and maybe you don’t feel ready for it. BIG BUT:

IF, and only IF, this is done with the intention to CONNECT more deeply, to UNDERSTAND each other, and end the TABOO of attraction… then this type of conversation can bring SO MUCH growth: 

 It can lead to releasing your shame/guilt around feeling something for somebody else since you can see you both actually feel it, not just you. 

It can bring new information as to what the relationship you have is missing, and easy you can bring that to life. 

Choosing to open up hard conversations and being in an uncomfortable space with your partner (feeling emotions like jealousy, fear, expectations, hope, disappointment) can strengthen your own personal nervous system and the resilience of the relationship you share together.

IF, and only IF, this is done with the intention to CONNECT more deeply, to UNDERSTAND each other, and end the TABOO of attraction… then this type of conversation can bring SO MUCH growth. So,

A few things to have in mind when you do talk about it: 

Telling your partner you feel attracted to somebody else can feel extremely threatening. Thoughts like “is she not attracted to me anymore? Is he going to leave me?” can run wild. It can crush someone’s self esteem.

So please bear in mind that it is a sensitive topic and the WAY you approach it is vital. That the reason WHY you share this is just as vital as the way, in fact, they are usually linked. 

Some useful things to ask yourself before you have these convos are: Why I want to share this? What do I want to get out of this conversation? How can I ensure my partner feels safe with me? 

If you want to share because you feel that your partner is not showing up the way he used to, or the way you want him to, and you think that talking about how hot another man is in the hope that he will take the hint and modify his attitude: you are on the wrong train of thought. It is most likely going to cause the opposite thing; you will crush his ego and he will feel threatened, not appreciated and hurt. 

BUT if you are coming from a place of seeking connection, of choosing to open up your heart to share something vulnerable, without blaming or expecting anything from it… AND you make sure you are following how your partner is tracking emotionally (is he safe? Does he know I love him? Does he know I am committed to us?) then VOILÁ.. Magic happens.

• You could be very surprised at what emerges from feeling attraction towards others, or even your partner feeling attraction towards others.

When we are in a relationship, our lives, decisions, projects are all intertwined with each other. And bringing the word “attraction” IN, could mean the END. 

There could be feelings of terror/fear that our loved one is leaving, or choosing somebody else instead. The beauty of this is that we can have a reality check: you do not own your partner. They are free to go. You have no control over this person, this person could leave. And When you remember that this person is only a person who chose to be with you in the present moment, and could vanish anytime and you don’t control that. Then you can learn to appreciate it more. 

Is the same feeling that you get in those AWE moments, when you almost could have died, or someone close to you dies.. And you realise how finite life is, how unpredictable things are, and you appreciate your life so much more. 

In my personal experience. Once I felt safe that my partner isn’t going anywhere… is not leaving me anytime soon, or at least not without giving a fight first, then I could really explore what the idea/fantasy of other people joining our partnership could be like.

I realised recently that I like hearing my partners stories with other women. I like seeing him talk with other women. I can enjoy feelings of  jealousy and can be playful with it now that I feel safe within our commitment. 

I hope this has helped at least one of you, it has certainly helped me to write it down. 

Don’t forget to share this with whoever you think might benefit from this insights and seek support if you need it. I am here for you.

Artemis, my ally

I made a new friend a couple of days ago while I was being coached by one of my teachers, and I want to introduce you to him. 

His name is Artemis, and he is the one in charge to remind me of my wound of “If I am perfect I will be loved” aka “not good enough the way i am”.

He is always there, present in the background, although I cannot always see him clearly. He tends to come up stronger when I do something that feels brave and challenging to the status quo of the society. For example, if I share something edgy here and I don’t get any comments. Or If I say something to my teachers and they don’t seem too impressed by it. 

When I don’t get the external validation that I am seeking: Artemis comes to remind me that I am a failure, that I am not nearly as good as I thought I was- he gets REALLY creative in finding ways to frame the same message. 

Most times it is not so obvious, and he drives my actions unless I notice him. By invading my unconscious mind with his message “I am not lovable unless I do/say/think this”, I compensate. I find ways to prove to myself that I deserve happiness - because I don’t fully believe it.

Similar to a toxic relationship but not quite, hear me out: Even though he seems to be here to wear me down, to keep me playing small and to remind me of my hurt… there is gold in this (isn’t there gold in everything?).

He has been with me for a long time, and when you travel to another continent to live without anything once familiar, you most definitely hold on to things that remind you of home: Artemis is definitely one of those characters. He feels comfortable, known. He keeps me playing small, inside what feels ok. He keeps me out of death (of ego, that is).

But that is not the reason I like Artemis. 

See, now that I am starting to understand that Artemis is a SEPARATE being that is not me, I can separate his judgements from my identity. I am not taking it personally.

Artemis is a message that I took on from a time in the past that feels familiar to me and has been an integral part of who I am and how I show up in the world. But he is not me. 

And I don’t have to agree with him either.

And now, finally.. Let me tell you what I do like about Artemis: 

First of all, he looks like a gorgeous blue and golden door that has mist coming out of it. The mist is extremely PAINFUL though, and to cross to the other side of the door, you must immerse yourself into the pain. If I am brave and focused enough to cross the door, then I am STRONGER than ever. 

It’s a big challenge to myself. I always always try to run away from pain by distracting myself and seeking understanding of everything. So I might use my mind to explain away my emotions so I can escape my body and avoid feeling it.

So the first test is to recognise that Artemis is here to teach me something, and the second test is to BE present WITH the pain, avoiding the distraction. 

If I surrender to what I was holding on, all the things I did to compensate feeling small, all the resistance I have to the pain, all my efforts to keep my ears shut so I don’t have to listen to Artemis’s message (“I am not enough as i am”), and I gather all my braveness to cross that line, something magic happens: Artemis becomes my ally. 

Well, I actually realise that he has always been my ally: that my weaknesses are my strengths. 

That my pain is my medicine. 

The misty pain envelopes me and overwhelms my senses. As it suffocates me in sorrow, sadness, anger and frustration… Those same feelings change into a deep love and reverence for myself.

I realise I am actually perfect just the way I am. That I need my own validation.

It’s so freeing to allow myself to just be me. To recognise that I don’t need to prove to others how awesome I am. That my actions don’t define how lovable I am. That my success and productivity don’t determine how worthy of everything I desire I am. 

From this place I can take charge of my life, things become clearer and I am deeply surrendered to life (in the best way possible). 

So, readers, this is Artemis. 

Artemis, these are my readers. 

I am sharing in the hope to paint a portrait of the gift that wounds can bring. To bring more thought to how embracing the things that cause pain can transform us. And to invite you to seek those characters you have inside of you. 

Naming the sides of you  you own within you is a great tool to detach them from your true identity. It helps grasp the function they had in your life.. And become friends with the trauma/wounds you have.

Ps: I met Artemis through a coaching session with one of my teachers.

Ps2: I would love to explore what these characters are for you, with you. I am offering coaching sessions! Please let me know if you are interested - BOOK your free discovery call & get started on some insights!

living my dream

I am part of a relationship that I thought it was only possible in the movies.

I was standing in the living room and he silently walk towards me, stood very close to my face. He grabbed my hand up high, wrap his arm around me and we started dancing.

I felt a rush of emotions come up... butterflies in my tummy.

And I thought.. wow! This is happening to me! He surprises me every day.
He is beyond my dreams.

I never dared to say I would like a man that dances with me in the living room on a Sunday morning.. never dared because I never thought it was possible. But it is!

How many times we conform with less because we believe it doesn’t get any better?

Beautiful humans out there...

Your dream relationship IS possible.

A man who listens to you & makes you feel validated in your feelings IS possible.

A man who worships you IS possible.

A man who is responsible and trustworthy IS possible.

A man who fucks you the way you love IS possible.

A man who tells you the truth and follows his own path IS possible.

All of it, at the same time.

And you don’t need to dump your current one and get a new one to achieve this.

It all starts with you!

Silent Killer

Silent killer in relationships 😈

We often avoid hard conversations and our truths because we are afraid of losing a friendship/partnership, or afraid that it will weaken the union.

TRUTH IS THAT IS ALREADY DAMAGING OUR RELATIONSHIP.

Not speaking what hurts you will slowly create resentment.
Not speaking what bothers you will slowly push you away.
Not speaking what things disappoint you, will keep you getting disappointed.

And that is a Silent killer.
For fear of losing a relationship, you are already half way of losing it.

So, go and make an appointment to meet up with your loved ones and speak your truth. Not from a demanding/blaming place; but from a place of honouring your truth, opening to dialogue & always keeping responsible over your own emotions.

crying is a gift

Crying is not shameful. It’s precious.

Crying is not a weakness. It’s a gift.

You are not too emotional for feeling... you have a vast capacity to host all extremes inside your heart.

There is nothing to be embarrassed about if I am seen crying... if tears come running down my cheeks is because I am strong and capable of allowing emotions to arise.
I can hold space for feeling.

I embrace life so deeply that it moves me.

I dream of a world where crying is not taboo.
I dream of a world where we can cry & release our emotions freely.
A world where we can support each other, and give each other space. Where it’s natural to see crying adults just as it is to see crying children.
I dream of parents that allow their kids to see their sadness.

i am not special

Pain integration ~

Lastnight I got triggered and I felt a lot of pain. I know how harmful it is for the heart to push pain and tears away so I allowed myself to be seen by me and my partner. I let tears run down my cheeks as I explained why I was hurting. No blaming at anyone.. just acknowledging the reality of my feelings. I saw a part of me that deep down inside, wants to be special to someone. Wants to be someone’s most special thing.

It was like turning open a tap; tears just wouldn’t stop.

When we were in bed, and I was still crying like a baby; I told my partner that I wanted to surrender into the pain but I didn’t know how.
I told him how my mind was crazy trying to find a reason that made sense of my sadness, that I wanted to question my whole world to come to a response that would satisfy me.

He simply asked me: “how would it feel to tell the chaos in your mind, that you welcome it?”

So I said out loud, in the pitch black of night inside our room: I welcome you, chaos.

And chaos came and transformed inside my head... into death. Death tested like indifference and that scared me.

He asked me again; how would if feel to welcome death?

So I did. I died, I felt nothing. In the blackness of the room and death I saw many cadavers slithering around me, from old selves that died before. In between all of them, I saw my inner child: an innocent early teenage version of me.

Grief took hold of me, it flooded my being.

He asked me; what is your inner child doing?

And in between tears I responded “she’s being abandoned”.

“she’s not special” he said.

Oh yeah I thought, that’s the boulder of my trigger earlier that night. All I want is to be special, but here I am getting abandoned because I am not.

He asked me again; what would you say to your inner child?

I would say.. it’s not your fault. You do not deserve to be abandoned.

Grief, sweet grief.

To see that old self, still in such pain inside a forgotten part of my own being was shocking.

This morning I woke up with swollen eyes. This is a letter I wrote to myself.. because even though I have done so much processing around this trauma. This is an ongoing process of integration:

To my younger self, my inner innocence:

It wasn’t your fault. You didn’t deserve to be treated the way you did.

I know you were scared for years. I know you couldn’t understand why the person who is supposed to love you, treats you like that.

There was nothing wrong with you. You are whole, amazing and a fucking special human being you didn’t deserve that.

It shouldn’t have happened and still there is a pearl you can receive from it. Many, actually.

You are so much stronger than you used to be.

You are so much wiser than you used to be.

You know the importance of love.

You know how deep unresolved trauma can ruin a person, even if they love you.

You survived abandonment, you can survive it again, and again, and again.

You can thrive in abandonment. You can use it as an opportunity to recreate again your whole reality. You can prove to yourself that you are a phenix. That you rise from the ashes like no other... better every time.

Your pain is your cure.
Your pain is your strength.
I admire you.

You, little child, are so strong, so wise, so kind.
Your heart is so much bigger than of those who hurt you. Your heart is so big that you used what was left to protect the younger. I am fucking proud of you.

You were smart enough to not follow the example you were given.
You were smart enough to stop the ball right there. And look at you now.
Look at you now.

Creating a life for yourself.
A life surrounded with people that you love, and love you back.

Surrounded by people who treat you well, who celebrate you, who don’t shut you down.

Surrounded by those who listen the way you cried for when young.
And this time, the credits go all to you. You did it.

Look at you.. all you have done alone.

Do you see how strong you are?
You are invencible.

No abandonment can stop you.

It didn’t stop you then, it won’t stop you now.

being open to hurt

Are you afraid of getting hurt?

Truth is, we all are. Always.
Even the happiest, most ancient couples alive on earth are afraid of getting hurt.

I heard about so many people who are afraid of getting hurt so they keep their heart protected, closed. This ends up as a pattern that doesn’t allow them to find beautiful and meaningful relationships.

Why do we close our hearts?

Because we have been hurt. SO. many. TIMES.. That our heart’s defense system is like “nah, we staying close forever, it’s safe” and it makes sense.. Nobody can blame a heart for wanting to close and protect.

But here is the dilemma: to have a beautiful & meaningful relationship you MUST open your heart.

Without an open heart, there are no risks involved in the connection.

Without risks involved, winning or losing feels the same.

Without something to win, we don’t have motivation to play our best.

Without playing our best, we don’t love to our best capacity.

And that is why, with a close heart you can’t truly love.

So what do we do?

We learn to let go of the panicky fear of getting hurt. We get to know pain, and strengthen our relationship to it. We learn to open our hearts even when it feels threatening, and even when we are in pain.

These are skills that take practice.

Remember: If there isn’t a risk of getting hurt, it isn’t even worth it.

Are you proud of your partner?

Being proud of your partner is important.

When you are not proud of your partner it creates a negative impact in your personal life:

if you are not proud of them, how can you be proud of yourself for being with them?

It is important to know the difference between not having a partner who is pride-worthy OR being stuck in a cycle where you make your partner responsible for all the bad things that happen in your life.

More often than not it is us who are choosing to see the dark rather than the light.

It can be very difficult to spot the difference between these two cases.
When you make your partner responsible for your suffering you are doing it from a very unconscious place and that can seem real. (If you are stuck in this pattern I can help with that, let me know!)

Feeling proud of your partner comes naturally, but expressing that to the world makes the pride exponentially higher.

Every time I express how proud I am of my partner for who they are, it creates a loop of greatness that feeds our souls for days:

- He feels seen & excited because he can see what I reflected
- and he also feels proud of me for being who I am.
- We both feel extremely grateful to have each other,
- and we are both more likely to share positive feedback with each other.

It is really good to take that as a practice that you consciously do.
The benefits are massive and the effort is really low. It might seem a bit hard at the beginning if you are not used to it, but it’s worth it to work past it.

Practicing making compliments should be something we do with all people we know because it creates a good gratitude practice and it makes others aware of their gifts.

After all, we all work better from praise than pressure.

confrontation matters

In a good relationship, we are expected to have disagreements, painful moments, moments of not being so connected, fat cries & anger.

It is really not about having the less confrontations possible, nor the less painful moments.

It is really not about always being connected no matter what.

I used to think that a smooth, conflict-free relationship was what a healthy relationship looked like.

I thought that conflict was a sign that we weren’t a match, or that we were heading to a so feared “shadow fase”.

So I avoided all sorts of conflict:

> chose to deal with triggers on my own
> chose to detach from expectations
> chose to approach the relationship from a less emotional place

However.. Little I knew that unconsciously...

> I was creating a build up of resentment, which silently eroded our relationship away.
> I was disconnecting myself from my feeling body, which created less pleasure in my life.
> I wasn’t listening to my needs, thinking that not depending on my partner was the best thing to do.

In the end, I created more erosion than what any discussion could have created.

The consequences of avoiding conflict were creating a void between us: instead of feeling connected, I felt disconnected.

Nowadays, my relationship is filled with conflict-like moments; disagreeing, seeing things differently, painful realisations, needs and expectations not being met, triggers.

It is not about not having them, it is about what we do with triggers that matters the most.

We made the conscious choice to see conflict as an opportunity for more connection.

A doorway to intimacy,
a doorway to getting to know each other more.

When approached with curiosity, fat cries & shadows can be extremely liberating and strengthen the relationship.

So next time you see conflict coming up, don’t fear it.

Embrace it, allow it to exist, express what you need to express & then find time and space to re-connect.

ways to approach triggers

How to approach a trigger with your partner, my ways:

*grumpy face* I wanted to let you know that what you did/say trigger the shit out of me. I am still processing it & not sure why it triggered me so much. Can you help me untangle this?

Wow, that hurts. I think that this is connected to something that happened to me in the past, that’s why I am feeling so upset about it. I know this is not your fault, you are just being you in your own right.. But can we please find a way to address this so I don’t keep getting triggered when this happens?

You look a bit upset to me and I am worried that there is something I have done to upset you. Is that true? Can we talk about it? What do you need right now? *gotta believe their answer even if it doesn’t line up with your victim story at the time.

I am feeling quite sad/angry/jealous about what happened before and I need some reassurance that you still love me and that you are still IN.

I hate feeling this way & it won’t go away.. It’s all related to some past relationship trauma, it feels so fucking heavy. I think I need to switch back to the fun-me. What if we go on a walk/play a game/ watch some stand up?

Also valid for friendships, and family & co-workers. Anyone really.

What are your ways of dealing with triggers?

Changing your past.

Re writing the stories-
because you are the boss of your life

Do you have an old pain or trauma that comes back to get you still after a while?

Are you judging yourself for the choices you made?

Do you have a story which you have told yourself in the past and keeps controlling your life today?

I certainly had many, but the most obvious were (and still are sometimes)

- Choosing to live in New Zealand came with lots of guilt for leaving my siblings & my parents hometown.

- Having decided to end three relationships made me feel like a heartbreaker.

I had told myself the stories of

“I am not a good sister/daughter because I have abandoned my family”

and

“I am such a bitch because I always break men’s hearts”.

Woofff that shet is heavy!

Heavier than what I dared to recognize.

Recently I had the chance to CHANGE THE STORY verbally by saying it outloud to someone I just had met.
It was SO GOOD for my mental health to put all sides of the story in one sentence.

How did I do it?

thought of the reasons why I am here in this country;
and the reasons why I broke up with all those men.

I thought of the underlying feelings of guilt not trying to vanish them, but rather trying to take power away from them by admitting they are real & they hold some true.

The re written story went something like this:

“Yes, I left home and in a way I did left my family & chose to create a life far away from them… however, I did this because I can be the best version of myself when I am in this country, and the best way to support my siblings and parents is by being my best self, being happy and pursuing my dreams”

AND

“Yes, I have ended three relationships but I was brave enough to make the call on something that wasn’t working; I am not responsible for their heart break”

I invite you to look at what stories you have going on right now, especially those stories that keep making you feel bad, guilty, shameful, not good enough.

And to RE-WRITE in a way that makes you feel empowered, honest and happy about your choices.

I find it important to re-write the story in a way that seems real to you.
If you blow off all heavy emotions all together & make sounds like a fairy tale you might not believe your own new story!

And to really cement it in: share your new story in the comments (or with your friends).

Much love, always
Juliana

About compliments.

Our incapacity for receiving compliments is incredibly harmful for our own souls.. And so it is for those who are out there being vulnerable enough to share their heart with us.

By not believing or taking in a compliment you are telling the person who gave it: That’s not true, you are wrong, you are a liar. Ultimately it means: you shouldn’t have bothered in telling me that because I don’t believe it.

I get it though, sometimes it is really hard to believe that is true.

We tend to be quite fixed in our own idea of who we are and to reject other people’s opinions.
Isn’t that what we have been told since little? “It doesn’t matter what others think, you do you girl!”
Well.. yeah.. To an extent.

We are forgetting that what other people are mirroring to us is so valuable and it holds so much truth, and it can give us a new clear perspective of who we are to others. What others perceive of us is often tinted with their own personal values and beliefs.. But that doesn’t mean it's full of shet.

It doesn’t mean that by taking the compliment of being a good artist you will now start to believe you are Van Gogh.

It means not to rule out that you are a great artist for this other human, and that is a lot. A LOT. Make sure you take it all in.

By receiving the compliments people give you, you are opening a door into the unknown.. Into a world of possibilities. Where you are stunning for some, a rather average face for others, a genius for some, and not so bright for others..
And that is amazing in itself: Imagine that!
The possibility of being everything and anything at the same time. Of being seen and reflected in all the possible ways by all these different people: you become multidimensional and the keeper of a thousand stories.

So, if you struggle to believe compliments: ask yourself these questions:

What if you truly believed all the compliments you get? What if you choose to trust that this people are not getting out of their way to lie, but to express what they cherish in you?

Next time someone tells you something nice, HEAR IT, PAUSE, TAKE IT IN, and truly thank them for sharing.

Long term relationships needs

Long term relationships REQUIRE:

The safety and trust -

which often comes with spending a lot of time together, talking all day long, knowing each other very well,
certainty & commitment

And the Novelty, the unknown, the Mystery, the PASSION.

What a paradox. We need both opposites.

The safety and the trust comes easily when living together.
The novelty is something that you learn to cultivate.

How?

Keep asking your partner questions.

Keep being curious about their thoughts, their values, their ideas.

Remember, they are constantly changing just like everybody. They are not the same that they were a week ago: make a commitment to re-meet them again and again.

Don’t take things for granted.

Appreciate your partner 🌸 tell them not just that you love them, but WHY you love them.

lovers are abundant

We have to change the narrative.

From scarcity mindset to an abundance mindset.

I am not talking about money.
I am talking about relationships.

How many times we settle for less than we deserve for fear of that being all there is?

How many times we conform with friendships that don’t make us feel supported, expansive & in alingment? Because we think making friends it’s too hard or finding the perfect fit is not possible…

That’s a scarcity mindset.

We need to stop jeopardising our own relationship with ourselves -

There is infinite people out there who are the right fit for us.
Make new friends. Drop the partner who doesn’t align.

Trust that the more you say no to what doesn’t work, the more you free the path to what it does to come to you.

share that trigger

“Should I bring this up in conversation even though this is my own responsibility?”

“Should I say something about how I felt even though it wasn’t his fault?”

Answer is YES.

You can do both. The fact that you are bringing something to the table doesn’t mean you are throwing the responsibility onto them.

Sharing your triggers/hurt creates the opportunity for both people in the relationship to be part of the resolution.

It allows you to feel seen in your truth.

It allows you to have reassurance from your partner.

All while taking responsibility for how you feel.

so you seek unavailable lovers?

Let me put it straight.
Being attracted to those unavailable to you is not acceptable. It is not helping you!

It might be hot as a fantasy to desire what you can’t have. But in reality is much complex than that.

Have you ever fallen in love with people who weren’t committing to you.. and still believing they will do (although you knew deep down they won’t)?

Have you ever stayed in a relationship with a person who didn’t respect you, values you, loved you the way you need to be loved?

This both are two faces of the same coin: they are unavailable to date you or to fully commit to you.

That is a deep wound. And your responsibility to get out of there!

We tent to look for what we think we deserve.

This usually roots back in low self esteem and lack of respect towards yourself.

The goal to change is to become aware of your incredible self worth and your uniqueness as a human.

To become so strong in what you want and desire and DESERVE that you say NO to anything that isn’t that.

Practical things you can do:

- Write a letter to yourself as written by your dream partner. Make sure you write all the amazing things you love about yourself! Read it everyday.
- Ask your friends to tell you all the things they like about you.
- Practice self-reflection
- Journal every-time you have negative feelings about yourself
- Question every belief you have of yourself.
- Change the toxic unhelpful thoughts for two good ones every-time you catch yourself thinking them.
- Write a new affirmation about you every day before getting out of the house. Carry it in your pocket.
- Do therapy to uncover your trauma/wounds.

i invite you to close the tab

I used to cook and expect my significant others to wash the dishes, because that is fair.

I used to keep the record of who did the food shopping last, so I could make sure it was fair next time.

I used to keep track of how many favours people did to me, so I could be fair.

All along I thought I was being FAIR and fair equals “good”.

Do you identify?

It was only when I met my partner Tom that I heard the concept of keeping the “tab” open. And it was then that I realised how much energy I was pouring into keeping records of everything, and how it was leading me to resentment and self-serving. I had expectations of other people that they will also be making sure it is all fair. Guess what? Not everybody keeps records like I did!

Thanks to my partner sharing his values I found a better way to feel about all my relationships. And I wanted to share this with you, because it honestly changed my life.

It changed my focus from an “exchange” to a “service of love”.

I closed all my open tabs.. and now I don’t keep records anymore (or try to!)

Some days I cook AND I wash the dishes. Some days I drive around and pick up everyone in my car AND I buy coffees for my friends.

I can focus my life around what really matters, stop trying to be perfectly fair in everything I do. And I can now relax into following my feelings. Some days I don’t feel like doing anything at all, and it is so nice to not feel guilty when others are doing it for me.

RECEIVE - RECEIVE

I take great enjoyment in being an abundant woman who can provide love, service, comfort, food, time, energy, laughs and anything the moment requires for life to be amazing. I don’t expect anybody to do the same, it doesn’t matter. What matters is how I feel about my life and myself, and that I have people around me that backs me up when I don’t have anything to bring to the table.

So next time you are on the edge of saying “I do the shopping all the time!!!”.. Just think, why do you do it? Do you do it because you love to be of help, to provide for the family? Or did you get lost in keeping records?

vulnerable & strong

Let’s get clear on something:

Being open hearted & being vulnerable ARE THE SAME THING.

Once you open you heart (which is a practice that takes time to master), you heart doesn’t have a shielf of protection anymore: it is vulnerable to being hurt. But is also vulnerable to being ecstatic.

And also:

Being vulnerable & being strong ARE THE SAME THING.

Once you choose to stay open no matter the pain or the joy you experience.. you are being your strongest yet.
Nothing requires more strength and bravery than choosing to keep your heart open when life hurts you. Nothing.

Standing in your power means you know yourself, you are responsible for your emotions, you are independent, strong & powerful AND YET YOU ARE VULNERABLE.
You let things affect you, you let things hurt you, you let people get to your heart.

A strong human will say “Yes, I fucked up when I acted like this. I was feeling this and that… and it was no reason to do that to you. I am trully sorry. I was acting out of resentment. Please forgive me. How can we create connection again?”

See?

Honest, vulnerable, pro-active. Admitting the truth without guilt. Asking for a way to re-connect rather than pulling away in closed hearted ness.