Artemis, my ally
I made a new friend a couple of days ago while I was being coached by one of my teachers, and I want to introduce you to him.
His name is Artemis, and he is the one in charge to remind me of my wound of “If I am perfect I will be loved” aka “not good enough the way i am”.
He is always there, present in the background, although I cannot always see him clearly. He tends to come up stronger when I do something that feels brave and challenging to the status quo of the society. For example, if I share something edgy here and I don’t get any comments. Or If I say something to my teachers and they don’t seem too impressed by it.
When I don’t get the external validation that I am seeking: Artemis comes to remind me that I am a failure, that I am not nearly as good as I thought I was- he gets REALLY creative in finding ways to frame the same message.
Most times it is not so obvious, and he drives my actions unless I notice him. By invading my unconscious mind with his message “I am not lovable unless I do/say/think this”, I compensate. I find ways to prove to myself that I deserve happiness - because I don’t fully believe it.
Similar to a toxic relationship but not quite, hear me out: Even though he seems to be here to wear me down, to keep me playing small and to remind me of my hurt… there is gold in this (isn’t there gold in everything?).
He has been with me for a long time, and when you travel to another continent to live without anything once familiar, you most definitely hold on to things that remind you of home: Artemis is definitely one of those characters. He feels comfortable, known. He keeps me playing small, inside what feels ok. He keeps me out of death (of ego, that is).
But that is not the reason I like Artemis.
See, now that I am starting to understand that Artemis is a SEPARATE being that is not me, I can separate his judgements from my identity. I am not taking it personally.
Artemis is a message that I took on from a time in the past that feels familiar to me and has been an integral part of who I am and how I show up in the world. But he is not me.
And I don’t have to agree with him either.
And now, finally.. Let me tell you what I do like about Artemis:
First of all, he looks like a gorgeous blue and golden door that has mist coming out of it. The mist is extremely PAINFUL though, and to cross to the other side of the door, you must immerse yourself into the pain. If I am brave and focused enough to cross the door, then I am STRONGER than ever.
It’s a big challenge to myself. I always always try to run away from pain by distracting myself and seeking understanding of everything. So I might use my mind to explain away my emotions so I can escape my body and avoid feeling it.
So the first test is to recognise that Artemis is here to teach me something, and the second test is to BE present WITH the pain, avoiding the distraction.
If I surrender to what I was holding on, all the things I did to compensate feeling small, all the resistance I have to the pain, all my efforts to keep my ears shut so I don’t have to listen to Artemis’s message (“I am not enough as i am”), and I gather all my braveness to cross that line, something magic happens: Artemis becomes my ally.
Well, I actually realise that he has always been my ally: that my weaknesses are my strengths.
That my pain is my medicine.
The misty pain envelopes me and overwhelms my senses. As it suffocates me in sorrow, sadness, anger and frustration… Those same feelings change into a deep love and reverence for myself.
I realise I am actually perfect just the way I am. That I need my own validation.
It’s so freeing to allow myself to just be me. To recognise that I don’t need to prove to others how awesome I am. That my actions don’t define how lovable I am. That my success and productivity don’t determine how worthy of everything I desire I am.
From this place I can take charge of my life, things become clearer and I am deeply surrendered to life (in the best way possible).
So, readers, this is Artemis.
Artemis, these are my readers.
I am sharing in the hope to paint a portrait of the gift that wounds can bring. To bring more thought to how embracing the things that cause pain can transform us. And to invite you to seek those characters you have inside of you.
Naming the sides of you you own within you is a great tool to detach them from your true identity. It helps grasp the function they had in your life.. And become friends with the trauma/wounds you have.
Ps: I met Artemis through a coaching session with one of my teachers.
Ps2: I would love to explore what these characters are for you, with you. I am offering coaching sessions! Please let me know if you are interested - BOOK your free discovery call & get started on some insights!