Attraction and its role in a monogamous committed partnership.

When I first had a boyfriend, I thought that if I was in a committed monogamous relationship and I felt attraction to other men, it meant that there was something wrong.

I thought that I was only meant to feel attracted to my partner so when I liked somebody else I felt GUILTY. Every single time I looked at a man walking down the road or at a workshop, I had thoughts like “I am not meant to be in a relationship, I cannot do them properly” and “ I will never have a long lasting relationship with anyone and I am obviously broken”.

After that relationship ended, I learnt that I could actually feel attraction to other men while in a relationship. It was normal and expected. Actually, no person could realistically expect that I will never feel attracted to anybody else but my partner. Ok, that was a relief, maybe I wasn’t broken. 

The trouble I had in that “era” was that I did not know how to handle that attraction. I didn’t know what it meant or if it had messages for me (like I do now). 

Instead I allowed this eros energy to come and sweep me away, I was allured to other men and followed the impulses, subconsciously desiring to be with them and allowing that to diminish the attraction that I had for my partner. I acted upon my attraction as if my attraction was a sign that I had to be with this other man. 

In short, I chose to get closer to the men I was attracted to, and further away from the one I was committed to. Ouch! Multiple times (3 partners) ouch! 

Since it was expected I will feel attraction to other people outside my relationship, I told myself there was nothing wrong with feeling my feelings, EVEN if it was damaging my most important partnership.

I kept going like this… falling in love, committing and then falling in love with someone else until I met my current team mate, father of my child, lover and best friend. I saw what I have been doing: putting my energy outside of the partnership instead of bringing it in and using it to grow our relationship. 

So today I am sharing what I have learnt after all this years of dealing with sexual attraction. Some of these ways of dealing with attraction have been extremely helpful and that have also helped me feel true to myself, free of guilt and empowered in my own experiences. 

Disclaimer: most of these insights I have experienced and applied in committed monogamous relationships. The key word here is  commitment. A commitment to making it work, to try your best, to re-centre ourselves back to our partner; commitment doesn’t mean life sentence, but just a willingness to connect and reconnect.

So here is what I know is true to myself:

• Attraction is an energy: Eros. Eros resides in all of us, and we don’t have much control as to when it arises and when, and with whom. I think about Eros as a messenger entity who brings awareness and opportunity. 

• Attraction is normal, and expected. Being in love doesn't make one blind to other people’s energies, personalities and appearance. 

• You don’t need to do anything with the attraction that you feel. 

It is an amazing feeling: the pull towards the mystery, the desire to solve/end this thirst. The curiosity about this other person, the projections, the take over from our bodies, the animal self, the temptation to not care about the world and it’s consequences… etc. Sounds great, doesn’t it? 

Powerful, magical, mysterious.. As If life is awakening inside of you. 

Yet, we can stay here… feeling it. We don’t NEED to do anything about it. 

In fact, you could bask in it… then save it in a little imaginary container and free it once you are alone with your partner. If you allow Eros to fuel you with it’s energy, then you can use that energy to build your relationship.

• If you feel attracted to someone: it’s a clue!

We feel attracted to a trait/energy that we desire/seek. Ask yourself: What about this person is so attractive to me? In which areas of my life I am not living this energy? How can I bring more of this trait/energy into my own committed monogamous relationship?

But also… IF YOU ARE CONSTANTLY daydreaming about men/women who are not your partner then… ask yourself: What is my relationship missing? Am I really IN? Do I feel committed to this person? Am I seeking a way out?

In my past, falling in love for people who I barely knew and feeling madly attracted to other men, meant that I was sabotaging my partnership; it meant that my partner wasn’t ticking all my boxes and I was actually wisely and subconsciously, searching for a way to get out of it. 

• It is USEFUL/GOOD to talk about your attraction to others with your partner.

 Yeah, it is scary and uncomfortable. Jealousy can be felt by both you and your partner. It will mean your partner can then feel free to bring up his attraction to others too and maybe you don’t feel ready for it. BIG BUT:

IF, and only IF, this is done with the intention to CONNECT more deeply, to UNDERSTAND each other, and end the TABOO of attraction… then this type of conversation can bring SO MUCH growth: 

 It can lead to releasing your shame/guilt around feeling something for somebody else since you can see you both actually feel it, not just you. 

It can bring new information as to what the relationship you have is missing, and easy you can bring that to life. 

Choosing to open up hard conversations and being in an uncomfortable space with your partner (feeling emotions like jealousy, fear, expectations, hope, disappointment) can strengthen your own personal nervous system and the resilience of the relationship you share together.

IF, and only IF, this is done with the intention to CONNECT more deeply, to UNDERSTAND each other, and end the TABOO of attraction… then this type of conversation can bring SO MUCH growth. So,

A few things to have in mind when you do talk about it: 

Telling your partner you feel attracted to somebody else can feel extremely threatening. Thoughts like “is she not attracted to me anymore? Is he going to leave me?” can run wild. It can crush someone’s self esteem.

So please bear in mind that it is a sensitive topic and the WAY you approach it is vital. That the reason WHY you share this is just as vital as the way, in fact, they are usually linked. 

Some useful things to ask yourself before you have these convos are: Why I want to share this? What do I want to get out of this conversation? How can I ensure my partner feels safe with me? 

If you want to share because you feel that your partner is not showing up the way he used to, or the way you want him to, and you think that talking about how hot another man is in the hope that he will take the hint and modify his attitude: you are on the wrong train of thought. It is most likely going to cause the opposite thing; you will crush his ego and he will feel threatened, not appreciated and hurt. 

BUT if you are coming from a place of seeking connection, of choosing to open up your heart to share something vulnerable, without blaming or expecting anything from it… AND you make sure you are following how your partner is tracking emotionally (is he safe? Does he know I love him? Does he know I am committed to us?) then VOILÁ.. Magic happens.

• You could be very surprised at what emerges from feeling attraction towards others, or even your partner feeling attraction towards others.

When we are in a relationship, our lives, decisions, projects are all intertwined with each other. And bringing the word “attraction” IN, could mean the END. 

There could be feelings of terror/fear that our loved one is leaving, or choosing somebody else instead. The beauty of this is that we can have a reality check: you do not own your partner. They are free to go. You have no control over this person, this person could leave. And When you remember that this person is only a person who chose to be with you in the present moment, and could vanish anytime and you don’t control that. Then you can learn to appreciate it more. 

Is the same feeling that you get in those AWE moments, when you almost could have died, or someone close to you dies.. And you realise how finite life is, how unpredictable things are, and you appreciate your life so much more. 

In my personal experience. Once I felt safe that my partner isn’t going anywhere… is not leaving me anytime soon, or at least not without giving a fight first, then I could really explore what the idea/fantasy of other people joining our partnership could be like.

I realised recently that I like hearing my partners stories with other women. I like seeing him talk with other women. I can enjoy feelings of  jealousy and can be playful with it now that I feel safe within our commitment. 

I hope this has helped at least one of you, it has certainly helped me to write it down. 

Don’t forget to share this with whoever you think might benefit from this insights and seek support if you need it. I am here for you.