attachment styles, what are you?

Hello my people, how are you actually feeling today? 

 Today I bring you a juicy topic: ADULT ATTACHMENT, hope you enjoy reading me and I would love to know, did you find yourself in these stories-descriptions? What is your attachment style?

In my second committed and long intended-term relationship… I found myself becoming SO invested into my partner’s life that it turned very unhealthy. The unhealthy and toxic aspects of this story are for another time, but what I do want to share with you is the ANXIOUS attachment style.

His mood impacted my mood big time. 

His distance made me anxious. 

I was terrified of him leaving me and what my life would look like if he did… (which is why I stayed with him past his best date), and felt extremely jealous of any other women who could potentially rob me of him.

At the same time, my fear of abandonment and need to control the relationship turned me into a clingy person who needed reassurance 24/7.

Sounds familiar? 

If it feels to dramatic, let’s tone it down a little:

• Feeling like your sense of your self-worth is directly connected to how you are treated in a relationship.

• Wanting to please your partner and putting them first.

• Finding it difficult to set boundaries.

When a dear friend of mine pointed out to me that I was investing too much of my life-force into him, and instead suggested focusing on what makes ME happy…  I realised I could let go!

I was telling myself 

“I need to be more independent from him, I am too attached to him, I need to grow up” 

as if the key to beautiful respectful and emotionally connected relationships is to be independent from your partner.

So I swung the swing the other way: I adopted an avoidant attachment style.

When I finally got out of that negative-downspiraling-black-hole cycle that was me and my ex. I felt relieved, finally.

And jumped into my new 2 year old romantic adventure. 

He was the perfect man. I could not believe I’ve found him and that he wanted me. 

He was the exact opposite of what the ex used to be: Attentive, generous, full of reassurance, safe, independent, reliable, always on time, always keeping his word, good job, great life plans…

And yet, I found and re-found myself doubting my feelings for him. 

I kept a foot in, and a foot out. Ready to bounce out at the slightest conflict.

I felt attracted to other people too.. Which made me feel so confused, as if there was something biologically wrong with me. Why am I always keen for others? 

I kept flipflopping between feeling happy and then feeling overwhelmed.

Every time we had an argument he complained about me wanting to win, rather than feeling seen or heard. He was so patient.

I didn’t know it at the time: I wasn’t fully IN. 

Not dramatic enough?

Let’s tone it up:

• Withdrawing/ putting walls up when there is conflict.

• Rejection at talking about feelings, future plans and what the relationship is at.

• Labelling the other person as clingy or needy

• Sulking or hinting, rather than complaining or talking about it.

Good news is, there is a third attachment style: the secure one. 

The one most of us were never modelled. But it’s real and it’s possible for us all. 

This attachment feels safe and reliable, comfortable with intimacy. Comfortable being alone and being close, and can cope with conflict in a sustainable, connected way. 

We all have the same universal needs for love and acceptance.

Both anxious and avoidant styles want the same: to feel safe. 

It’s the WAY IN WHICH THEY DEAL with the fear of abandonment and hurt that is different:

Anxious avoid hurt by controlling. 

Avoidants control hurt by not getting too involved.

Neuroscience and latest research shows how adults and children share the same attachment needs. Children attach to a primary caregiver, adults attach to their romantic partners. We can flip-flop from one of these to the other, and also depending on how we get triggered. 

Depending on what type of parent you had in your childhood, we develop different styles of attachment in our adulthood. 

Our attachment responses become triggered when we sense physical or emotional FEAR. When we feel the safety of our relationship is in danger, or we feel our partners are doubting the relationship or when their values come against our own.

That is the root of all arguments… but more on this another time.

Some questions for you to think about/journal (brought to you by my coaching mindset)

• How do you react in conflict?

• In which situations do you feel like running away?

• In which situations do you feel the need to control and know your partner?

• In which circumstances do you feel safe and secure?

• What’s your relationship with commitment?

• What are the differences and similarities between my romantic relationships and all the other relationships?

• What does your inner avoidant need?

• What does your inner anxious need?