Red flags: me, you and them

What is a “red flag” when it comes to relationships?

How do we recognise them? What do we do with them?

Are some of the questions I will try to answer here on this article, based on my own experience with red flags and what I have gathered from my coaching sessions and my dating course. 

I want to clarify first that I say “toxic behaviours” instead of “toxic people” because I do not believe in the later. Not because someone is showing toxic behaviours means they are toxic. Someone might be in a rut and therefore being a bit more unconscious with the way they show up in life, and that doesn’t mean they ARE toxic always and forever. And the same goes to you.

We are all humans doing life at the same time, living every day for the first time together… so I think is important not to label people and to separate the attributes they bring from their being itself.

So, RED FLAGS. 

The internet has loads of articles on what are the signs to look for, and the types of red flags out there… the end is the same: toxic behaviours are behaviours that make you unhappy, unsafe and confused and happen constantly. A “red flag” is a warning sign someone can display early in the relationship that is an insight of who they are, bypassing those when you see them or the inability to see them altogether could lead to regretting the relationship further down the track. This applies with narcissistic people, emotionally undeveloped and simply unhelpful unhealthy ways of looking at the world. A personal example would be when I was on my third date with my ex and all he had been doing was consuming drugs (alcohol, marihuana, and more): at the time I thought it was exotic, interesting and that he would change eventually but the truth is that that’s who he was and he would always be like that. His behaviour was a warning sign I chose to ignore.

In this article I actually want to give you the tools to work out HOW you personally relate to red flags in life, for yourself, and to bring perhaps a fresh perspective into toxicity.

But first, let’s start with a *hopefully* relatable story…

Once upon a time I fell in love with a guy who had a million red flags from the get go. At the time, I had never heard this term, and even if I had, I would have still dismiss them. 

Why? Because I didn’t care. 

I was waaaay too keen to fall in love even for the wrong person; I believed LOVE was a cure and as long as we loved each other, we will settle in and all those things that were annoying and controlling were going to change once I explained to him how to be better**

**Read that last sentence again: “I believed LOVE was a cure and as long as we loved each other, we will settle in and all those things that were annoying and controlling were going to change once I explained to him how to be better”

That’s a red flag right there. It was a red flag FROM ME: jumping into a relationship already wanting to change the person I am with? Putting up with being controlled and ignored for the sake of love and the hope for change??

SO,

What I am trying to get to here is that the best way we can identify when *somebody else* is displaying red flags and what to do with that; we should first look at ourselves. 

Why? 

Firstly, Because to be able to SEE a red flag from miles away, we need to be able to recognise a toxic behaviour as such. To be able to recognise a toxic behaviour you have to have had a lived experience of it (yay for practice makes perfect!).

We don’t recognise something toxic in the outside world unless we can recognise it within ourselves. 

Second, being involved in a toxic relationship very frequently means there is something we need to work on ourselves. Not to blame the victim here… I am simply inviting us to take responsibility for the situations that we choose to stay in. 

It takes two to tango..  if you find yourself constantly falling for the wrong person, it may not mean that you have the worst luck ever… it may actually mean that you have some things within yourself that are not working for you and are worth exploring. An opportunity!

So let’s turn inwards to find the answers. 

I invite you to get a pencil and paper and journal with me.

Ready? Lessgo

What is a red flag? 

What is dangerous to each of us is very subjective: if I am gluten free and my date eats flour all day long, that can be quite dangerous.

So, leaving the internet and other people’s processed answers aside: 

what is a red flag TO YOU?

Can you recognise moments in your life where you have displayed or are currently showing some of those red flags to others?

In which areas of your life you have acted or are acting in a toxic way?

Think things like: not speaking your truth, hiding the truth, being always the “nice” guy/girl, ignoring people, ghosting people, etc.

Now that you recognise the red flags, what do we do with them?

And I mean it seriously, What do YOU want to do about this red flags? 

Share them? Change the way you show up? Stay in your relationship? Work it out? Understand? Ask more questions? Leave? No right or wrong, just you deciding what SERVES you best. 

And that brings me to a very important question,  What is your ideal relationship like? What relationship would serve you best? What do you appreciate in someone and what will you bring to the table?

I know that when I find myself getting addicted to people who drain my energy, I need to look at what part of myself is getting something out of this. Like with any addiction, there is something you get out of it. 

So, finally, What are you getting out of hanging out with toxic behaviours? How are your own toxic behaviours serving you?

I hope you enjoyed the article and journaling with me. 

If you have any comments, reflections, ideas, feedback… LET ME KNOW!

Happy reflecting, 

Juliana