confrontation matters

In a good relationship, we are expected to have disagreements, painful moments, moments of not being so connected, fat cries & anger.

It is really not about having the less confrontations possible, nor the less painful moments.

It is really not about always being connected no matter what.

I used to think that a smooth, conflict-free relationship was what a healthy relationship looked like.

I thought that conflict was a sign that we weren’t a match, or that we were heading to a so feared “shadow fase”.

So I avoided all sorts of conflict:

> chose to deal with triggers on my own
> chose to detach from expectations
> chose to approach the relationship from a less emotional place

However.. Little I knew that unconsciously...

> I was creating a build up of resentment, which silently eroded our relationship away.
> I was disconnecting myself from my feeling body, which created less pleasure in my life.
> I wasn’t listening to my needs, thinking that not depending on my partner was the best thing to do.

In the end, I created more erosion than what any discussion could have created.

The consequences of avoiding conflict were creating a void between us: instead of feeling connected, I felt disconnected.

Nowadays, my relationship is filled with conflict-like moments; disagreeing, seeing things differently, painful realisations, needs and expectations not being met, triggers.

It is not about not having them, it is about what we do with triggers that matters the most.

We made the conscious choice to see conflict as an opportunity for more connection.

A doorway to intimacy,
a doorway to getting to know each other more.

When approached with curiosity, fat cries & shadows can be extremely liberating and strengthen the relationship.

So next time you see conflict coming up, don’t fear it.

Embrace it, allow it to exist, express what you need to express & then find time and space to re-connect.