The rescuer archetype
Once upon a time, I had a partner who was diabetic type 1.
This meant he needed to watch his blood sugars all the time, eat accordingly, and inject himself with insulin multiple times a day.
He had a rather strange, but very romantic, approach to life:
“I am going to live my life the way I want to even if it only lasts a couple more years. I do not wish to control everything to the last detail and live longer.”
On our first date, I thought that was hot, risky, unapologetic, and I wanted more of it.
I was so invested in this relationship I really wanted to make it work… but this “make it work” only responded to my own idea of happy ever after.
This “make it work” meant “If we are going to have kids together one day, you need to take better care of your health… I don’t want them to be fatherless before they hit 18 years old”
I forgot to see him for who he really was.
And started seeing all his potential instead.
I forgot to care about what he actually really wanted.
And I started managing his life instead.
I tried to change his diet, his finances, his lifestyle, his habits. I tried to get him to play sports regularly, I tried to get him to stop drinking fizzy sugary drinks, and stop all desserts.
It was so much pressure for him, and for me.
I blamed him for having to be his mother! Even though he never asked me to.
I blamed him for abandoning me… but I was actually abandoning his philosophy of life.
Even though I could see that I was completely mothering him, not thinking he was capable of taking care of himself… I still wanted to stay and save him.
I had fallen into the rescuer archetype.
I got kinda high on feeling like I was essential in someone’s life.. I made myself proud for saving him EVEN when he didn’t need to be saved. It was hard to let go because it'd mean I failed.
This archetype doesn’t allow for mutual respect and trust.
The mare basis of this archetype is believing your partner needs you...
It’s believing they have no power themselves to know what is best for their lives.