i am not special

Pain integration ~

Lastnight I got triggered and I felt a lot of pain. I know how harmful it is for the heart to push pain and tears away so I allowed myself to be seen by me and my partner. I let tears run down my cheeks as I explained why I was hurting. No blaming at anyone.. just acknowledging the reality of my feelings. I saw a part of me that deep down inside, wants to be special to someone. Wants to be someone’s most special thing.

It was like turning open a tap; tears just wouldn’t stop.

When we were in bed, and I was still crying like a baby; I told my partner that I wanted to surrender into the pain but I didn’t know how.
I told him how my mind was crazy trying to find a reason that made sense of my sadness, that I wanted to question my whole world to come to a response that would satisfy me.

He simply asked me: “how would it feel to tell the chaos in your mind, that you welcome it?”

So I said out loud, in the pitch black of night inside our room: I welcome you, chaos.

And chaos came and transformed inside my head... into death. Death tested like indifference and that scared me.

He asked me again; how would if feel to welcome death?

So I did. I died, I felt nothing. In the blackness of the room and death I saw many cadavers slithering around me, from old selves that died before. In between all of them, I saw my inner child: an innocent early teenage version of me.

Grief took hold of me, it flooded my being.

He asked me; what is your inner child doing?

And in between tears I responded “she’s being abandoned”.

“she’s not special” he said.

Oh yeah I thought, that’s the boulder of my trigger earlier that night. All I want is to be special, but here I am getting abandoned because I am not.

He asked me again; what would you say to your inner child?

I would say.. it’s not your fault. You do not deserve to be abandoned.

Grief, sweet grief.

To see that old self, still in such pain inside a forgotten part of my own being was shocking.

This morning I woke up with swollen eyes. This is a letter I wrote to myself.. because even though I have done so much processing around this trauma. This is an ongoing process of integration:

To my younger self, my inner innocence:

It wasn’t your fault. You didn’t deserve to be treated the way you did.

I know you were scared for years. I know you couldn’t understand why the person who is supposed to love you, treats you like that.

There was nothing wrong with you. You are whole, amazing and a fucking special human being you didn’t deserve that.

It shouldn’t have happened and still there is a pearl you can receive from it. Many, actually.

You are so much stronger than you used to be.

You are so much wiser than you used to be.

You know the importance of love.

You know how deep unresolved trauma can ruin a person, even if they love you.

You survived abandonment, you can survive it again, and again, and again.

You can thrive in abandonment. You can use it as an opportunity to recreate again your whole reality. You can prove to yourself that you are a phenix. That you rise from the ashes like no other... better every time.

Your pain is your cure.
Your pain is your strength.
I admire you.

You, little child, are so strong, so wise, so kind.
Your heart is so much bigger than of those who hurt you. Your heart is so big that you used what was left to protect the younger. I am fucking proud of you.

You were smart enough to not follow the example you were given.
You were smart enough to stop the ball right there. And look at you now.
Look at you now.

Creating a life for yourself.
A life surrounded with people that you love, and love you back.

Surrounded by people who treat you well, who celebrate you, who don’t shut you down.

Surrounded by those who listen the way you cried for when young.
And this time, the credits go all to you. You did it.

Look at you.. all you have done alone.

Do you see how strong you are?
You are invencible.

No abandonment can stop you.

It didn’t stop you then, it won’t stop you now.