On emotional maturity

Emotional maturity is not tidy, love or light.

Not the absence of the nasty side of us.

It is not one sided, ever.

I believe the full spectrum of emotions IS REQUIRED to be able to be emotionally mature.

How can you deeply understand a situation and come up with authentically mature response if you don’t have empathy for all the emotions?

How could you ever be emotionally mature if you only feel love and light?

Emotional maturity IS the process of listening to all the voices in our head AND choosing to act from the one that brings the best outcome to everyone.

Emotional maturity IS to be able to recognise that there is more than one emotion running under your skin, and that they are all valid (and contradictory) at the same time.

It is not the absence of the rage that makes you mature,

It’s the ability to feel it, process it and reflect compassion for oneself and others.

It’s the ability to say “I am faking angry right now, and I need to go for a walk so I don’t explode on you”

It’s the awareness of all levels of emotion you can have running through you at one time, and the recognition of those sides that makes you wise.

Again, it is not always smiling in front of adversity.

It is not the absence of the dark.

after-baby breakups?

Don’t wait till things turn grey to learn to communicate with your loved ones -

because we are not that effective at putting down fires when we haven’t prepared for it beforehand.

6 weeks into being new parents together and I can proudly say we are algood. But seriously all good.

We had challenges, and moment of anger and sadness and frustration.
And days are hard.. some even harder.

But resolving and moving through all this stuff has been easy & fast, with almost no effort.

Why? 🤓

Because we practiced much before this. Because we already know how to move through conflict and heavy emotions together.

Because our relationship is filled with mutual respect and a deep desire for the other to thrive.

It has become si easy to imagine now how easy it would be for families to break apart soon after birth if they haven’t learned to support each other and love each other through hail and shine.

>> MOMENTUM OVER PERFECTION <<

I took Tom on a date yesterday.

We have been committed to dating each other from the beginning of our relationship, however, we forget a lot… and hadn’t made time for it since Aspen was born. It was about time.

We went on a date to Piha.
When we arrived, we had a poo explosion followed by 30 minutes non stop cry of tiredness.

It was very windy and we could barely hear ourselves, and the sun was behind a haze that made everything look bright and white.

Squinting eyes, the noise of the wind humming on our ears, a heavy baby and some very depressing topics like paying taxes and house rates and being a slave of the system.

Combo for a perfect date huh?

The truth is that it doesn’t matter. It’s not about having perfect, well thought off and interesting elaborate dates. It’s not about having a five hour pleasure immersion or a expensive restaurant followed by theatre.

It’s about consistency and commitment to making time for the people you love.
It’s all about CONNECTION and feeling HEARD AND SEEN.

So tell me, have you ever waited so long for something to happen and it didn’t go as you planned?
What are your date-fails?

Commitment is #1

Yesterday I lied to someone.

I said that communication is the most important thing and
as long as a couple has communication they will survive anything.

And it’s not true.

The most important thing is not communication… but weather you are committed to making it work or not.

You see… it depends on HOW you use those communication skills that will determine if a couple survives or not.

Are you a team or do you fantasise with leaving any time your needs aren’t met?

Are you committed to finding solutions together or do you fend for yourself?

Can you be hurt/angry/disappointed at your partner and STILL seek comfort in their arms?

Can you choose to stay open and close when your trauma comes up?

To be with someone you NEED great communication skills yes… they are essential.

However, if there is no trust in that your partner wants your happiness and he/she doesn’t mean to hurt you when things her hard..

then communication skills go out the window.

A couple will survive everything as long as there is a commitment to survive everything;

and as long as they are a team playing together not against each other.

Do you receive compliments?

Once upon a time I was embarrassed & uncomfortable E V E R Y time someone gave me a compliment. 

My response was automatic: either just smile, say thanks not really intending it.. All at the same time thinking in my head “YEAH SURE! They are just saying that because they feel pressured to do so, it’s not really what they think.. If I was actually what they say I was, I would be this & that.. and I am not, I’m just not”

I see it all the time: people denying, rejecting or ignoring compliments. 

I am sure it happens the other way around to some of you too! Especially those of you who are compliment givers. How annoying is it to say something wholeheartedly and for that to be rejected or not received like if what you said was a mistake altogether !!?? 

Our incapacity for receiving compliments is incredibly harmful for our own souls.. And so it is for those who are out there being vulnerable enough to share their heart with us. 

When responded with sarcasm, a re-direction of the conversation, a fake smile, ignoring, or a cool and distant “thanks”...

The person who gave you the compliment feels confused the first time, frustrated the second time around; and possibly angry in the long run.

By not believing or taking in a compliment you are telling the person who gave it: That’s not true, you are wrong, you are a liar. Ultimately it means: you shouldn’t have bothered in telling me that because I don’t believe it.

I get it though, sometimes it is really hard to believe that is true.

Sometimes you spend a whole life telling yourself that you are a terrible painter.. one day you try it out and someone tells you you are a great artist! That can be like a small drop of encouragement against a whole ocean of decades of self-belief.

We tend to be quite fixed in our own idea of who we are and to reject other people’s opinions. Isn’t that what we have been told since little? “It doesn’t matter what others think, you do you girl!” Well.. yeah.. To an extent. 

We took this advice to an extreme and now everything we receive from the outside world slips on us like if we were covered in baseline. If what other people say about us doesn’t run along our own storyline, we often reject it, without even giving it a thought.

We are forgetting that what other people are mirroring to us is so valuable and it holds so much truth, and it can give us a new clear perspective of who we are to others. What others perceive of us is often tinted with their own personal values and beliefs.. But that doesn’t mean it's full of shet.

It doesn’t mean that by taking the compliment of being a good artist you will now start to believe you are Van Gogh. It means not to rule out that you are a great artist for this other human, and that is a lot. A LOT. Make sure you take it all in.

We tend to polarize everything: either I am a good artist for everyone, or I am not a good artist. If I don’t sell my art then I am not my artist. 

By receiving the compliments people give you, you are opening a door into the unknown.. Into a world of possibilities. Where you are stunning for some, a rather average face for others, a genius for some, and not so bright for others.. 

And that is amazing in itself: Imagine that! 

The possibility of being everything and anything at the same time. Of being seen and reflected in all the possible ways by all these different people: you become multidimensional and the keeper of a thousand stories.

So, if you struggle to believe compliments: ask yourself these questions:

• What if you truly believed all the compliments you get? What if you choose to trust that this people are not getting out of their way to lie, but to express what they cherish in you? 

Next time someone tells you something nice, HEAR IT, PAUSE, TAKE IT IN, and truly thank them for sharing.

I am in the relationship of my dreams

I am part of a relationship that I thought was only possible in the movies.

I was standing in the living room and he silently walks towards me, stood very close to my face. He grabbed my hand up high, wrap his arm around me and we started dancing.

I felt a rush of emotions come up... butterflies in my tummy.

And I thought.. wow! This is happening to me! He surprises me every day.
He is beyond my dreams.

I never dared to say I would like a man that dances with me in the living room on a Sunday morning.. never dared because I never thought it was possible. But it is!

How many times do we conform with less because we believe it doesn’t get any better?

Beautiful humans out there...

Your dream relationship IS possible.

A man who listens to you & makes you feel validated in your feelings IS possible.

A man who worships you IS possible.

A man who is responsible and trustworthy IS possible.

A man who fucks you the way you love IS possible.

A man who tells you the truth and follows his own path IS possible.

All of it, at the same time.

And you don’t need to dump your current one and get a new one to achieve this.

It all starts with you!

Keep dating each other

A piece of very common advice you hear a lot in the relationship world... and one that has proven to be tremendously impactful.. is “KEEP DATING EACH OTHER”.

I didn’t give it enough importance in previous relationships and that has led me to feel bored of my partners. If you have experienced feeling like your partner is not who he used to be, truth is, more often than not, that you stopped doing the things you used to do. Whenever we stop creating moments that are designed to see each other & to have fun with each other, we start to drift off into routine life, and we all know routine is boring.

My partner and I have been taking this dating very seriously. We made a commitment to go on a date per week and we are alternating the planning... making it a surprise! This is a time with just the two of us FOR the two of us.

The benefits I found?
- keeps the mystery flowing
- exercises the creativity
- gets you & your partner out of the comfort zone
- breaks up the routine
- helps to approach your SO from a new perspective, especially important to not fall into the trap of “I know all about you therefore I am bored”

Photo: Tom and I arrived at this party in different cars.. both of us embodying an archetype. We didn’t plan it but we both picked black and leather, coincidence or nah?

I am not going to lie, it was nerve breaking to be face to face to him and pull out my character. I felt a bit shy and intimidated by having to perform, but that was soon over once I looked at him in the eyes and I knew this was all just a fun game.

We played it big.
We had so much fun, we saw each other in a different light. Polarity play, sex was amazing!

And you? Do you keep daring your partner? What benefits do you see?