Real brings real.

The only way you get what you want:

The community you want.
The partner you want.
The job you want.
The friends you want…

IS BY BEING YOURSELF.

Often times we are so nervous about the outcome of an encounter (especially if we are invested in it, or we’re set on a specific result) that we act differently than our usual/normal.
We momentarily stop showing our full expression, our juicy deep truths, the colour of our souls, our vulnerable child inside, etc.

This happens without us noticing exactly what we are doing differently.

Do you do this?

Think of how you are with the humans that you love and feel comfortable with.
Now think of how you are when you are on a job interview, meeting a new person or on a date.
If there is a difference, then you are changing to fit the circumstances.

This is normal. And only a few people I have ever known have mastered their complete independence from others’ opinions. Def not me!
Even though you will always adapt to circumstances and the environment…

… There is a gift in trying to keep yourself as authentic as possible throughout all the places you find yourself in.

The more you can free yourself from the fear of rejection, and embrace your uniqueness, your craziness, your different-ness… the easier it will be to find the RIGHT people, jobs, partners, friends FOR YOU.

The only way people know if they like you completely or not is if you are completely yourself. The only way you know if your partner loves you with all his/her heart, is if you are showing him/her your true self.

You might get a rejection or fifty... But on the other hand, those people who resonate with you are going to feel like soul mates crafter just for each other.
I promise.

hiding behind desires

Be careful!
needs & desires could be HIDING your deepest wounds & patterns.

Some times.. what we think are our most known “needs” are actually showing you different and deeper needs that are harder to access. You just gotta look closer!

Let me tell you a story about what happened to me:

I was in a long term relationship with someone who wanted a monogamous relationship. I, on the other hand, was convinced that I needed to try being in an open relationship even before I met this partner. He was open to discussing the opening of our relationship in the future, although he wasn’t ready now. I needed to know for certain it WILL happen.
He didn’t actually want to explore being with other people, but he also didn’t want to lose me or carry the guilt of not “allowing” me to explore my own sexuality which he knew I wanted to do since the moment we met.
Sounds familiar?

I thought I had a need that wasn’t being met, and I was craving certainty. I was also feeling guilty for my own desires & confused because he was happy and satisfied with just us two.

It was only when this relationship ended & I obviously has, at last, my chance to explore open relating that I realised. And my discovery shifted my whole reality so hard that I spend two weeks in complete awe of my tricky brain, & changing my life’s paradigm

What did I discover?

That my attachment style was “avoidant” (we talk a lot about attachment styles inside Authentic Dating). And that need of having polyamorous relationships... WAS ACTUALLY A MASK to cover up my complete fear of commitment. That’s right.

I realise that I was so afraid of committing & saying YES to one single partner for a lifetime, terrified the shet out of me soo bad, that I had created this need for being with others so I didn’t have to commit to one.

Fast forward into the now, and I am committed & in love with my current partner with whom I decided to spend the rest of my life & birth a family with.

The insight? Pay attention! Not all is what it looks like it is.

The full body YES

The FULL BODY YES. Best dating tip EVERRRR.

Okay friends, let me give you the BEST DATING TIP out there:

“The three body centres” check point 🤘🏾…

All of us have three important spaces in our bodies that either lit up in a YES!!
Or they stay inactivated/silent 😞
These are:

The MIND centre
The HEART centre
The SEXUAL centre

🧠 The mind centre represents how connected your ideas/thoughts are. To know if it’s activated, ask yourself:
Can you talk for hours and always have something else to talk about?
Do you laugh at the same things?
Do you share values?
Do you just GET each other?

💗 The heart centre represents how safe & open you can be in front of this person. To know if it’s activated, ask yourself:
Do I feel safe to open up with this person?
Do I feel I can trust him?
Can I be vulnerable? Is he/she vulnerable with me?
Is he/she honest? Does it feel easy to connect intimately?

🌶 The sexual centre represents how much sexual attraction you feel. To know if it’s activated, ask yourself:
Do I feel attracted to this person? Do I like their smell?
Do I feel like I want to be closer?
Do I find it irresistible when he/she touches me?
Do we have great chemistry in bed?

Every time you meet someone new, you ask yourself

“how’s my mind/heart/sexual centre doing?”

The more you have open the better! If you can connect in the mind, the heart & the bed.. 💥boom💥

It is up to you to have boundaries around this (or not!).
I had a boundary of a minimum of two open centres for most of my dating life… HOWEVER, I realised that I only feel 100% ecstatic with the partner I had FULL BODY YES.
So.. have a lil exploration.. or think about past lovers. How did they feel? Did the closed center become a problem in the end?

are you ready to date again?

Are you unsure if you are READY to start dating again?

Well.. I am convinced that being “ready” is bullshet. This is why 👇🏾

There is no evidence-based reason why you should wait to be completely OVER your ex in order to meet your next partner.

I didn’t “wait”… Instead I just followed the impulse every single time: and I never regretted it. Look where I am now!

Healing from a past relationship & grieving is not linear. There is no reason why you should wait for the grief to be gone because it will come & it will go… one day is ON.. one day you don’t remember a thing.

Grief can come all of a sudden, two years later when you though it was long lost in your memory.

Plussss ALSO, someone who is there to have fun with you, to take you out and make you feel special can be THE thing that helps you heal all that pain. No!?

Are you afraid that your grief will put men off?
Then those men are not the right men. Be you. Be honest. There is nothing shameful about your pain.

Are you afraid that you will JUMP straight into a new relationship?
Then let me ask you: What is the problem with that? What if you do? Where is that fear actually coming from?

Are you afraid that you are extra vulnerable & your heart is not as safe as it was?
Then you haven’t surrendered to the pain fully… when you do so, you find beauty in the longing and in feeling alive.

You heart is not broken, it’s broken open.

Allow your inner sun to shine through the cracks.

Be alive.

Take risks.

commitment = freedom

The freedom behind the commitment.

I didn’t understand this at first: I thought commitment was standing against my desires & my freedom.

When things got more real, deeper & more intimate: I used to run away from the intensity (typical avoidant attachments style he).
I used to get these little impulses of doubt creeping in, insisting in ending it all & start again.
The options that I kept open as a lack of commitment, will creep in whenever things got hard. Happened to you too?

When I met my partner, I understood:

Commitment gives me a purpose… a path to walk.
A higher reason to live.

Oohhh there was so much freedom when I chose him!

When I cancelled all those options, excuses, doubts and DECIDED they weren’t going to interfere with our relationship. Only then, I found true freedom.
Commitment keeps my impulses of distraction at bay. Escaping is no longer an option.

I used to be a prisoner of my own changing thoughts.

Now there is no questioning the deep truth of my commitment.

I am free.
Within the boundaries of this agreement, I flourish.
Knowing that we are a team in this life together.

Knowing that we are both resilient & committed to navigate anything life brings.. Gives both of us safety to transform freely into new shapes… gives us the certainty that no matter what, we will talk, we will be patience, we will understand each other and we will accept one another.

relationships are bittersweet

Ohhh that sweet grief…

The bittersweet pain that comes with the realisation that you have no control over your loved ones.

Why bittersweet? you may ask…

Well because life acquires its special taste when you realise it is finite.

The beauty of knowing that each minute of your relationship is sacred & unique and could be the last one.

The sadness of acknowledging that nothing in life is guaranteed.

The freedom that comes when you acknowledge this and dissolve into the abyss of nothingness.

A deep surrender into the forces of life itself.

We can do all the work and become a master of relating - and still not know what is coming.
We can be fully prepared, but are we ever ready?

I find that dissolving my ego’s control needs into nothingness.. & surrendering into the unknown, brings colour & passion into my relationship.

These are the moments when I am being the most present, the most alive, the most grateful.

Relationships aren’t granted.

Relationships are continuous nurturing of the space between the two people, along with the burning desire of being one, and recognizing that you can never be it.

Do you know what I mean?

crystal clear men

For the men out there 🌶

Women LOVE it when you LEAD the path ahead with absolute:

CLARITY,
i n t e g r i t y
& responsibility.

We want you to show us where the path leads us.

We want you to communicate with fierce honesty & complete openness with us.
From the very first moment.

I hear so many women feeling lost & upset because they feel as they “wasted their time”, or they invested so much energy into something that wasn’t going anywhere. 😞

This is because their men weren’t communicating clearly and openly about what their intentions were from the beginning. Experienced this?

So men, please, for all of us women:

If you don’t know what you want, SAY SO. (and then do the work to figure it out all while being respectful of our time, energy and love).

If you know what you want, SAY SO. Express it without fear.

We prefer to know your intentions even if they go against our desires.

If we don’t know where we are going, we will tend to make assumptions and expectations that might hurt us in the future. Yes, it is our responsibility. But also it is your responsibility to be clear as glass.

I get it, it’s hard to come forth with your desires.
You fear rejection.

But you are in integrity when you speak your truth no matter what.

And that is the hottest thing a man can do, right girls?

unpacking your ex

Relationship UN-PACKING.
Thinking about your ex?

Today I want to speak to the importance of unpacking our past relationships while they are still fresh in our memory. Or before a relationship ends even!!

Our relationships are the well of wisdom & learning.
Nothing teaches us more about emotional intelligence, resilience, patience, negotiation, love, balance, creativity & consistency than our relationships.

Each relationship you have, no matter how it ends or how happy/miserable you were in it: is an opportunity to learn like no other IN THE ENTIRE WORLD.

Relationships aren’t there just to bring joy into our lives but also to show us growth, true wisdom & helping us know ourselves deeper.

Hence the importance of dissecting the relationship you have/had:
the patterns,
the trauma,
the dynamics,
the lessons,
the ugly and the beauty
within a relationship that is still ALIVE (obviously)… but ALSO, those that recently passed away.

So I recommend you re-visit those relationships that had gone before this day for the golden nuggets hidden within. I suggest that you look at them closely and re-integrate that experience into your present timeline for extra wisdom and inner insights.

I also encourage you to do this with someone else as a guide, a counsellor, a mentor, a friend… a good listening ear & a good reflecting mirror.

takes two to tango

I was the toxic one.

Years ago I had a relationship that showed me my deepest daemons. And it was I N S A N E 🤯

At the time I thought it was his fault: That he was the toxic one and that he simply brought up the worst in me.

Over the years, as I gained wisdom & I looked back a thousand times into those two years of turbulence,
I started to understand that the toxic one was ACTUALLY me. Yep.

It was ME the one who had co-dependency towards him: and I couldn’t stand any minute that he was away from me.

It was ME the one who wanted to change him so much that forgot why I even liked him in the first place.

It was ME the one who nagged, waned, cried and screamed horrible things at him.

It was ME the one who emotionally manipulated him.

I am not ashamed to admit this.
I am proud because I have come a long way, and because that chapter of my life was absolutely necessary.

I dived (against my will) into the depths of the darkest part of my psyche. 🌚

I was depressed. I felt lonely no matter what. I didn’t feel good about myself.
I was out of balance. I was out of ME.

I am sharing this today for two reasons:

First, I want to share the main thing I learned from this experience:

It takes two people to create a toxic relationship -

all the participants are getting something out of it.

Look DEEP: toxic relationships can be an addiction that you learned to have when you were young, and now you are unconsciously craving that chaos.😳

women’s power

Ladies… never underestimate your POWER within a relationship.

You have the ability to lift a man up & making him a HERO.

And so you have the ability to crush the manhood within a man.

With our beautiful gifts of intuition, all-seeing mind, and fluent communication skills. Alongside the revealing of our heart & sensitivity.. WE HAVE THE POWER to reflect beauty or to destroy beauty.

So, next time you are upset… angry, sad, mad, disappointed, etc.

Watch your language.
Watch the words you use.
Be careful not to blame. Not to punish. Not to nag.

There is a huge difference between:

“You NEVER pay attention to me! I told you I was having a rough day & you didn’t even offer me a hug! I don’t know if you don’t care at all about me or you are simply not present with me here… I am tired of this. You always do the same, you keep hurting me!” ddddhhh Yaak!

AND:

“My love, I need attention please? I’ve had a few rough days & I haven’t felt supported like I wished to be… I know you must be tired from your day, and busy doing blah blah… but I really need some support, I love it when you hug me and you tell me that you love me.. You can be so sweet & tender. I miss you, come here”

Option 1: Your partner feels little, not good enough, that he is not doing anything right. You are crushing his manhood.

Option 2: Your partner feels loved, cared for, important in your life. You are inviting your partner to step up & provide for you.

Wanna learn more about this??
Sign up to Authentic Dating (starting on Jan 22nd) a 5 week intensive course to learn all the skills for conscious relating/dating.

responsibility = power

Responsibility = Power 💫💫

This statements sounds quite obvious.. Although I’ll be surprised at how many times we forget about this…

We often fall into the trap of blaming/shaming (even if it’s only in the way of thoughts).
This trap is trying to do anything BUT assuming your own responsibility.

Sometimes all we can think of is how much better we are going to feel when someone assumes responsibility for their actions and how they are making us feel (aka blame).

We give all our power away by making others responsible for us...

We claim ourselves the victim of other people’s actions.

Assuming responsibility for your own feelings means taking back your power. Simple.

Your happiness, wellbeing, expression, creative force.. Does not depend on somebody else, BUT YOURSELF. Just you, love.

Assuming responsibility for the way you are communicating with your partner, makes you powerful.

Assuming responsibility for the way you are reacting in your relationship, makes you powerful.

Assuming responsibility for the way you feel within a relationship, makes you powerful.

Waiting for your partner to change, or expecting them to change, is giving your power away.

As simple as that.. translated to all aspects if your life: work, friendships, family.. etc

words for community

I have identified myself as introverted for many years of my life, but the narrative is starting to change. That desire for more friends slowly started to change me…low key manifesting maybe?

So this morning I asked myself: What has changed for me?

The first thing that comes to me is VULNERABILITY -FIRST-.
Instead of waiting for others to open up and show me it is safe to be real… I am taking the lead. It requires a lot more courage, which brings me to my second change:

COURAGE doesn’t mean to be fearless. Quite the contrary, it means to do something despite being afraid. Putting myself out there for others to see, judge, criticise and even admire… has required a lot of courage.

Another important word is HONESTY.
I have become honest about my social anxiety with people: It has brought me immense relief.
When I feel nervous about meeting somebody new I’ll say “I’m nervous about this” which created OPPORTUNITY for others to open up as well… and it states “I am not pretending to be something I am not”

Another thing that changed is having INTENTION. I started making it clear to others what my intentions are. “Hey, I would like to hang out with you BECAUSE I like what I see in you and I would like to become friends with you”. “I get so much value or being your friend, I love this and that about you”.

Now, SHADOWS in people make me feel safe. Funny huh? If I meet somebody that seems all happy all day long and they are smiling and content with whatever happens in their life… I smell bullshet. There is no way anyone on this planet has scaped their humanness and become a Buddha. I crave your truth and your depth. I sound like a Scorpio because I am a Scorpio.

The last thing I have discovered is FUN and MOVEMENT. Movement helps with brain coordination and focus. Movement gives me and my friend something in common to share together.

These words have helped me create a sense of belonging in my life.

WAKE UP!

Society has made me suspicious of my own intelligence.
Doctors have studied to tell me what I have known for generations.
The media bombards me with information about my brain, my emotions and my body.
Did they study to have authority over me? Well, only if I allow it.

Governments are telling me HOW to “protect” myself.
Governments are telling me that relying on my own intuition and wisdom, is wrong and puts other people at risk!!?
Medwives, doctors, articles and other pregnant women are telling me to practice certain movements, to eat certain things and to fear birth as it can be dangerous. As if they could possibly be wiser than my own body.

And I am so done with it.

Because you know what is truly dangerous?
Not trusting ourselves.

Getting us to become so unattached to our own physical sensations that we actually depend on some external authority to give us direction. Plus we can’t feel pleasure?

Ignoring our own deep soul wisdom as if it was something irrelevant, not reliable… too spiritual, not scientific enough. So much that the TV doesn’t even talk about it?

It has taken me YEARS of self-discovery to only grasp what my intuition is capable of.

I blame society.
I blame science.
I blame governments.
I blame people who believe that a university title gives them authority.
I blame all compliant people who are afraid to stand for themselves and therefore become part of this messed up world.

Life is an invitation to claim your power & your knowing.
Life is an opportunity for you to truly align with what you wish for the earth to be.
Trust your intuition. Choose how you live your life, instead of following what is being shown to you… without even questioning.
I invite you to stand tall before your truth, your soul, your choices.

Love is MESSY

Dear you, you are allowed to feel needy.

That is what love is all about.

If you are trying to love always in line, always in balance.

ALWAYS IN CONTROL, always wise & composed.

Let me tell you: you have missed the point.

That is not love. That is rather a tidy oracle cards deck 🤪

The feminine within all of us, men & women, is a hurricane.

If you are not feeling like a thunderstorm: wet, windy, unpredictable & confused…

Then you are not allowing your feminine to FEEL love.

The feminine energy it’s a current of energy you tap into in order to feel love.

LOVE IS FEELING. FEELING IS LOVE.

The wider range of emotions that can run through you the biggest the amount of love you can hold within you.

So, remember:

You are allowed to feel obsessed in love with your loved one.

You are allowed to feel sad crying on the floor non stop for 2 hours,
Or angry screaming & stumping your feet,
or disappointed things didn’t turn out how you wanted,

You are allowed to feel hurt & you are allowed to say it, as often as it happens.

You are allowed to feel all of the things.

Love resides within the full spectrum of feelings.

Love doesn’t look immaculate.
Love is messy.

Please go & be messy, it’s your gift.
Go & be too much, it’s your gift.

time to move on

I will never get tired of saying this:

The quality of our relationships determines the quality of our lives.

AND OUR SELF ESTEEM.

What are you saying to yourself when you stay in a relationship that is dull/numb/empty?

What are you saying to yourself when you hang on to someone who isn’t choosing you?

What are you saying to yourself when you allow abusive behaviour?

What are you saying to yourself when you allow others to mistrust you, judge you, lie to you…?

Wake up,

Close relationships are our strongest reflections.

Change the narrative, move on.

Show yourself that you are worthy of happiness, joy, connection, desire, pleasure, being listened to, being cared for…

Revealing your heart

Relationships are healing 💫 if you allow them to

They have the capacity to destroy your protective walls & see right through your soul - they can humble you till your knees are on the ground and life feels blissful, effortless & transcendental.

But to be able to have a relationship like this:

first you have to open your heart,

and to be willing to experience the pain of losing control…

you need to be able to sit in the unknowingness of life,

the uncertainty if destiny

you need to be willing to have your heart broken open

The rescuer archetype

Once upon a time, I had a partner who was diabetic type 1.
This meant he needed to watch his blood sugars all the time, eat accordingly, and inject himself with insulin multiple times a day.

He had a rather strange, but very romantic, approach to life:

“I am going to live my life the way I want to even if it only lasts a couple more years. I do not wish to control everything to the last detail and live longer.”
On our first date, I thought that was hot, risky, unapologetic, and I wanted more of it.

I was so invested in this relationship I really wanted to make it work… but this “make it work” only responded to my own idea of happy ever after.

This “make it work” meant “If we are going to have kids together one day, you need to take better care of your health… I don’t want them to be fatherless before they hit 18 years old”

I forgot to see him for who he really was.
And started seeing all his potential instead.

I forgot to care about what he actually really wanted.
And I started managing his life instead.

I tried to change his diet, his finances, his lifestyle, his habits. I tried to get him to play sports regularly, I tried to get him to stop drinking fizzy sugary drinks, and stop all desserts.

It was so much pressure for him, and for me.

I blamed him for having to be his mother! Even though he never asked me to.

I blamed him for abandoning me… but I was actually abandoning his philosophy of life.

Even though I could see that I was completely mothering him, not thinking he was capable of taking care of himself… I still wanted to stay and save him.

I had fallen into the rescuer archetype.

I got kinda high on feeling like I was essential in someone’s life.. I made myself proud for saving him EVEN when he didn’t need to be saved. It was hard to let go because it'd mean I failed.

This archetype doesn’t allow for mutual respect and trust.

The mare basis of this archetype is believing your partner needs you...
It’s believing they have no power themselves to know what is best for their lives.

I was addicted to options

My heroine journey started with being addicted to options.

Falling in love and then coming apart with the belief that they simply weren’t a match for each other, and the belief that there has to be someone out there that fits me better.

There was a missing ingredient in the way I thought about relationships.

I once went to India and while I was on a boat in the Ganges river at 5am, I expressed to my local guide that I felt sorry for those men and women who were washing bed sheets in the freezing river.

He responded something to me that rippled throughout my life as one of the wisest things I have ever heard. (No need for a spiritual zen guru when you have people who know struggle)

He said: “Don’t feel sorry for him. He’s happy. His father’s father washed sheets, and he knows that’s his life’s journey. He also knows his children will also wash sheets. There is no suffering when there is no option: you simply accept it”

The minute we have options, which we always do, arises the inevitable fate of not choosing one of them.

It’s hard to live knowing that you could have done anything but you simply can’t do it all.

I blame my relationship struggles to the addiction of proving myself that I had options.

Instead of committing to what I had chosen and giving things a -real- chance of thriving,
I would wonder in every single relationship I had…

“maybe there is a man out there who is more masculine than the one I am going out with right now…or maybe there is a man who is more handsome, eats healthier, makes me laugh more…”

We believe that FREEDOM comes from having all the options available and the ability to move from path A to path G in a moment… yet life has shown me otherwise.

Yes, we have options and that is a gift and our birthright and I am forever grateful for the option of divorce, choosing the right man for my life, and also changing my mind anytime I want.

But I also see the backsplash of these endless options.

Options and FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out) are the biggest struggles of my generation.
I’m here today to say to you that there is absolute bliss and freedom in commitment.

The gift of choosing to devote myself to one single option.

≜ ADVENTURE ≜ The missing ingredient?

You went from panicking at the thought of your SO smelling your fart, to straight shitting in front of them while they brush their teeth (well.. at least in my case).

THINGS GET COMFY when you are committed and solid AF.

Things become smooooooth like never before. You think you are nailing the relationship thing because there are no fights & no disappointments (and no so much passion either ?).

And then... BUM!
You are attracted to somebody else... or everybody else.

You wonder what is happening. You start fantasising about how a relationship with the guy at the workshop would be like.

If you are like me you think “Oh it’s you again! The tempting cheating devil... I thought I got rid of you already” because this happened to you many times before.

Perhaps your technique is to wait it out, let the crush dissolve by itself. Perhaps you feel like a prisoner of the relationship you are stuck in, which doesn’t allow you to feel alive and follow the impulse. (That’s all me).

This happens every single time “the unknown”... that ingredient that tastes like adventure and mystery is nowhere to be found within a relationship.

THE “prohibited” becomes a tempting source of aliveness, passion, mystery and the unknown.

So my ramble today on here, as I come back from my Social Media Detox (...yeah, it’s been a month folks!) is to remind us all that in order to keep our relationships
HAPPY & ALIVE,
and to AVOID the CHEATING (and the desire to cheat)

... is to keep up the ADVENTURE in your relationship.

Simple:
if you are not satisfied where you are... you will seek elsewhere.
And a good relationship is a priority, not an accident.
Working alongside your partner to overcome this obstacles is the only way you find happiness in a long term relationship.

Some questions to ask ourselves regularly:

In which areas can I still find “the unknown” amongst to much certainty?

How can I cultivate more mystery in my relationship?

What did you used to do at the beginning of the relationship that you aren’t doing anymore?

Great relationships don’t happen by accident -

You don’t just meet your ideal man and suddenly everything is perfectly smooth til the end of times.

I mean, you can definitely meet your ideal man (Tom is mine obviously) but things aren’t always smooth specially the first months (and I am so grateful they aren’t!)

When we get into relationships with people, specially if there is an intention to make it longish term... THINGS ARISE.

“I thought he was the right one but we are so toxic around each other” “The worst in me is coming up, I am not good for them”

Truth is, my friends, that toxic patterns will arise always as long as they are not addressed and healed within yourself. And the only way to address them and heal them is by working with them while they are playing out, not by running away from them.

So relationships get to be the perfect arena for those nasty things to come up,
and if you add commitment into the mix as well.. now you also have a partner who is helping you navigate through them.. and you are helping them navigate theirs...

RESULT? Even more deeper connection between the two of you. You have been vulnerable with each other. Things are not smooth all the time but you are grateful for it because these are all opportunities to know each other better. I mean get to know the real self of your SO.

So please don’t get discouraged when crazy old sheet you though was long gone starts to come up again. It’s not necessarily a reason to panic (sometimes it is).

If you don’t resolve them in this relationship, they will come back up again in your next one.
No matter how ideal your partner is.